Looking ahead to a new year with new dreams.

Usually at this time of the year, I would take the time to reflect and share my major accomplishments, failures, and emotions of the past year. While there have been a fair share of all of those in my life this year, I instead want to do this a little differently this year. I love to reflect back, but I am at a point right now where I am really focused on looking forward. With that, I would like to share with you what is ahead for Curtis in 2012.

Laugh at Life

I am obviously allergic to something, but with no insurance, just going to have to wait this one out. In the meantime, I think I look ridiculously hilarious. You gotta laugh at life.

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Farewell

I keep asking myself why my reaction has been so extreme. Years of this game has left me accustomed to this sort of outcome. And this certainly was not a complex case. Every red flag was raised early and raised high. Everything my gut would normally tell me to avoid was present and accounted for. When ignoring my instincts in the past, I have always at the very least cached an acknowledgement that they existed. This time around, I not only catapulted instinct and gut feeling to the side, but I completely annihilated them from my system. Somehow by just accepting the divergence from my self-assumed previous sanity, I

My Four Best Friends. Thanks.

As I sit here on a lonely Thanksgiving night, I can't help but reflect on all the wonderful things in my life. I have noticed in my life that no matter my situation, I am blessed with great people in my life. In the past, I have expressed my gratitude for my friends around the world. I have truly been fortunate in the last several years to have grown close to some incredible people. Whether it was at college, in Florida, or in Michigan, I have been able to obtain a network of good friends who I consider family. But tonight I wish to reflect on just four friends. Four friends who I overlook far too often. These are my four bet friends. And tonight, I owe thanks to them.

A Reason.

I was recently giving a new friend the retelling of my short-lived homeless days. I was explaining how while I was living out of my car, I began a strange new habit. I began leaving a minimum of 50% gratuity when eating out (which was rare while homeless, but the habit continued after I found a place to live). Why, when I couldn't even afford a roof over my head, would I be giving the little money I had away so irresponsibly? Because in my time of need, people stepped in and helped me. Offering me food, couches to sleep on, showers to use, and so much more. I had never experienced so much selfless giving. So I felt it my responsibility to pay it forward. In our darkest moments, we sometimes learn our most valuable lessons.

The last few months have been hard on me. My closest friends and family all already know this. Good fortune has not really been on my side and all aspects of my life have been struggling. Defeat from the world has left me crushed and searching for what I want out of life. It has lead me down a road of internal conversation that I would not have taken if I had been blessed with success the last several months.

I know there was a reason for this. First of all, I have come out of the darkness still standing. Bruised and hurt? Yes. But I am still standing tall. But more importantly, I have learned more about what it is to live. I have a better understanding of how to take control of my life and my attitude even in the most depressing of circumstances. I haven't stopped fighting for even a day and while it seemed this fight was a waste, it was truly a victory for me as a person.

I have not made it completely out of the trenches yet, but in the last 3 or 4 weeks, my entire situation has turned around. When all hope was lost, a multitude of miracles lined up quickly in a row. Call it fate. Call it God. Call it luck. 4 weeks ago I was lonely, financially ruined, spiritually struggling, and creatively dead. Today I can give an opposite description of my life. And I am more happy than I have been in several months.

There is always a reason for our struggles.

The strength of 4 years.

This week marks four years since I made the life-altering decision to come out to my closest friends. It took over a year to completely come out to my family, but the journey of coming out began in September of 2007. I can remember the emotions as if it happened yesterday. That was such an exciting, yet terrifying moment of time in my life.

Defeating defeated.

The last few months have left me searching for a light that doesn't seem to exist. Every turn seems to take me further and further into a dark hole of failed life. My mind, whether it be focused the multiple job rejections, the death of my grandpa, the financial struggles, or the continued absence of romance, can't seem to find peace in any aspect of my life.

A few days ago, after another job interview and rejection, I found myself feeling the most defeated I have ever felt in my life. But surely I should be more positive right? I have been in worse situations. There is no doubt about that. I mean I lived out of my car at one point a couple years ago. So how could I be so down now? I am healthy. I have a job and a roof over my head. I have good friends. My family relationships have vastly improved over the last two years. So WHY is this so difficult for me right now?

Why? Because this is the first time in my life I feel like there is no light at the end of that tunnel. Every time I have dealt with struggle in my life, I knew there were bigger things ahead. The last few months have all lead me to this point in my life where I don't see a promising future for me. I have lost hope.

Reality is sinking in for me. I am still young, yes. However, I have been single my entire life and am in my late twenties. People my age are either in committed relationships or have been. I have nothing. As I get older, the hope that someday I am just going to find the one gets smaller. I am coming to realize I may just be alone forever. I want kids while I am young. I want to start a family. I would be such a great father! I get so excited just thinking of it. But the reality is that it may not happen.

I have put everything into a career with Disney. My heart and soul has been devoted to this dream. And I had almost made it! I was so close! And now I am back at the bottom trying to fight my way up. I have networked. I have shmoozed. I have worked my butt off. I have impressed everyone I have worked with here. Everyone. Yet, I have been rejected for dozens and dozens (no exaggeration) of positions. Even my attempts to leave the company have gone nowhere. Here I am at the start of my career with nowhere to go. I am stuck and working so hard to get something with zero results. And I quite frankly and terrified for the future of my career. Terrified.

So what do I do?

The key is perspective, and the last two days I have realized that I need more of it. Things seems terrible. Things are terrible. So what. When has my life ever let me down? Never. Things ALWAYS get better. And it's those hard times that I always look back on now with an understanding of how they lead me to where I am now. It's easy to lose sight of that. All of this is to prepare me for the future. I have no way of understanding now what these events are leading me to.

No person can become great until they have suffered a life failure of epic proportions. I am going to be great. When I leave this world, people will NOT forget me. And so this is a little setback. It will be a great chapter when people generations from now tell my story. And I expect much larger problems to arise in my life. I am talking HUGE. If I can't handle this, how will I ever handle those?

Now is not the time for me to give up and lose hope. I am discouraged. It's hard. I am human and things to affect me. I will rise above this though. I wont stop doing what I am doing. 50 job rejections in the past year? I can handle more then that. Bring it on! 26 and still single? So what. I am in love with the person I have become. I could live another 26 years with myself and still love me. If no one else can connect with the incredible person I am, then that's fine. I am strong enough to survive alone. God will somehow give me a family regardless. I am sure of that.

So I will get through. I still worry daily about my future. I still consider all options when it comes to my career. I am ready to embrace change and live out new dreams. My unknown future is exciting and one day people will be jealous.