2010: The journey into adulthood.

As I reflect on the past year of my life and try to come up with something to say, I am too overwhelmed. There is just too much to say. So I have decided the best way to share the experiences of my 2010 with all of you is to share with you some things I have already written.

The following are passages from my personal journal. Yes, I have a personal journal. If you thought I share too much information online, then just imagine the things I write in this journal! I always wonder who will end up with my journals when I die. Because that person is in no way prepared for the secrets these books contain. Really though, no one is prepared.

The real Curtis is found in these writings. People would be shocked to know him. With that said, I will only share with you limited selections from the past 12 months of my writings. And I will keep the really juicy stuff out. Sorry kids. You're gonna have to wait for me to die to get those stories.

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January 1, 2010
"2010 is going to bring some major changes to my life. I graduate and enter the real world soon. It's frightening to me, but I know I can handle it. I vow to make 2010 another year of personal growth and of happiness."

January 22, 2010
"The reality is that I graduate in less then four months and I am not ready for the real world. The future is frightening. What will happen if my dreams don't come true? I am such a believer in dreams that I rarely stop to contemplate a scenario where they don't come true. Today I stopped to contemplate such a scenario. I didn't like it. What is the point of living if dreams don't come true?"

"10 days ago, the country of Haiti was hit with a disastrous earthquake. The death toll is estimated between 50,000 and over 200,000. The images of the aftermath are honestly the most disturbing images I have ever seen. They are filling DUMPSTERS with dead bodies! I cry every time I watch anything about it. No one else around me seems to even care. It's so far away, I guess people have a hard time feeling it's real . . . I can't even stress to you how much it hurts me. . . I feel helpless. Donating money is all I can do, but I want a future that will allow me to do more. So many people in this world need help. I want to help them. I need to help them. . . As ridiculous as it sounds, I do believe I can change the world. My biggest fear is that I wont."

February 13, 2010
". . . with each passing year it gets more and more difficult to watch everyone find love except me. The older I get, the more I wonder if I will EVER find someone. . . And people can tell me it will happen in time, but that's bull shit."

February 27, 2010
"I skipped all my classes except one this week. Senioritis has kicked in at an all time high now."

March 7, 2010
"On Friday, I was a part of the Disney Street Team in Salt Lake City on the Give A Day, Get A Day National Tour. . . It reminded me once again why I want to work for Disney. It makes me unbelievably happy. And i am getting a little sick of the jokes about it. Yes! I want to work for them! Shut the hell up and deal with it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with me or my dreams. I am a good sport and laugh at myself, but even I have a breaking point."

March 10, 2010
"I felt like the interview went well. I did my best and the rest is out of my hands."

April 12, 2010
"Dreams come true. I live by that motto. Maybe I believe it a little too much. . . there I found a rejection letter from Walt Disney World casting. . . My spirits have been crushed. i have so many different emotions ranging from anger to sorrow to confusion. . . My life will have been for nothing if I give up [on my dream] now. Regardless, today was a huge set back. . . I think everyone needs a good, hard failure in the pathway to their dream. It puts things in perspective. It is now my responsibility to learn from this and come out fighting even harder."

April 15, 2010
"Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing."

April 20, 2010

"I have found a backup dream about to come true! I have been accepted into Disney Entertainment as a Character Performer! I start June 7th and listed as a face character. This really is the best scenario possible for a backup plan.

April 22, 2010
"I was woken up by a phone call from Disney Distribution Marketing asking me to interview for their Graphic Design Internship. Just two hours later they called me for the interview. It went well and I am optimistic, but not getting my hopes too high. I don't want to be crushed again. And I am honestly completely satisfied with doing 6 months in Entertainment. It's a job I never thought I would be qualified for. I am still in shock I got it. My life is blessed. It seems, in time, all of my dreams will come true.

April 25, 2010
"Right now I could be very upset with the way things are going in my life. I choose instead to react positively. When I am positive and when I refuse to give up, I always end up rewarded."

May 6, 2010
"This is it. It has finally come. In less then two days I will officially be a college graduate. I always get a little emotional when it is time for a major change in my life. I am going to miss Utah State University and Logan. It's been an unexpected adventure. The last four years have been the greatest four years of my life. I wouldn't trade a single moment. On Wednesday night, I took one last walk through the Art Building on campus. I was overwhelming as I walked through old rooms while memories flooded my mind. I reflected on the journey I have taken over the last four years. My very first class was a drawing class. I was so afraid to get back into art. I remember going to that first day of class terrified of what was to come. I have discovered myself through rediscovering my passions in that very building. I stepped into the main graphic design classroom alone and looked around for a couple minutes. Words can't describe how special that room is to me. It's going to be hard to leave the friends and teachers from this program. I shed a small tear as I turned off the lights and left the graphic design studio for the last time ever. And now as I say goodbye to a chapter of life, I prepare to say hello to a new chapter. Last Friday, I was offered a graphic design internship with Disney. . . I am excited and sad to leave my college years behind, but I take comfort in knowing I have no regrets. Not a single one. I will always look back on these years and smile knowing I accomplished EVERY SINGLE goal I had. That is a huge blessing and accomplishment."

May 8, 2010
"Graduating college is by far the greatest accomplishment of my life up to this point. I can't even explain how much of myself I have put into this. It's been an incredible journey. I have discovered myself. I am scared for the future. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I don't know if I am ready, but I am prepared. The last several years have taught me to ask questions and search for the answers. I will continue to learn and grow. This is a bittersweet ending to this chapter of my life."

May 31, 2010
"All my siblings and their kids cam over [for the BBQ]. We had a lot of fun just being together. I am going to miss my family. The older we get, the more I think we are realizing how much we love and need each other. Today was fantastic. I treasure my time with them. After this week, it may be a very long time before I am with all of them together like this. it's one of the sacrifices of growing up I guess."

June 7, 2010
"But before I left, I took one last walk through the house. And as the time to leave approached, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I could barely breath. Very rarely in my life have I had moments where I couldn't control my tears in public. I don't get emotional in front of my family. I tried so hard to keep the tears in. Finally as I stood in the kitchen looking our the window (to hide my face), the tears began flowing down my cheeks. I walked into the living room. There was no way for me to hide my tears at that point. My dad asked me if I was scared. 'No,' I replied. 'I'm leaving. This is where I grew up. I'm really leaving this time.' . . ."

June 26, 2010
"Yesterday, I completed my first full week of work at my new job. So far I love it."

August 28, 2010
"What else? . . . Still searching for my Prince Charming..."

September 27, 2010
"There are things that could be better, but at the end of the day I can leave satisfied with what I've done."

September 29, 2010
" I leave on the cruise tomorrow! I am so excited. And after this crazy busy week, the timing couldn't be more perfect. I am ready for a nice short vacation."

October 23, 2010
"As much as I want to get my hopes up, I know that to protect myself, I can't."

October 14, 2010
"Dear Curtis,
You are a worthless piece of s#*t. You live in a world of dreams to avoid your pathetic reality. . . You are an afterthought with the few friends you have.  And this is all your own doing. You are so damn quiet and weak. You will forever let people walk all over you because you have no strength. . . You have half-assed your way through your entire life. Stop playing the victim. It's obvious why you have been and always will be alone. . . When your life is over, nothing will change. The world will remain unaffected. You might as well have never existed. You disgust me and I hate you.
Sincerely,
yourself."

October 29, 2010
"There are moments in our lives when events force us to re-evaluate our situation and make a change. I can't claim that anything life-changing or threatening has happened to me the last two weeks. However, a series of small experiences and situations have caused me to do a lot of reflecting. Some has been negative, some positive. I have been pretty rough on myself. In reality, is everything bad in my life my fault? Probably not. Yet, I personally believe that this sudden urge of self-hatred has been oddly healthy for me. . . Perspective in life is key, but right now in my life I needed this negative self evaluation to give me a push I needed. Things don't go my way. That's life. But the Curtis that woke up today was ready to take a little more control. No more hiding in the back seat. I deserve a front seat and quite frankly should have been given a drivers seat by now. But life isn't fair. So I am now realizing I am going to have to fight for even a small taste of fairness. It's true that nice guys don't finish first. you have to be at least a little bit of a selfish bitch to get anything in life. SO the time has come for me to insert a little bit of selfish bitchiness into my life. I am done with always losing in my career, my love life, and my family. I deserve more then that and the only way to get what I deserve is to take it on my own. I will continue to treat people with kindness, but no longer do I believe in receiving that kindness back from the world. Just being a good person doesn't cut it anymore. I am going to start demanding attention from this world."

November 14, 2010
"Boys are stupid."

November 24, 2010
"My new attitude . . . really is changing the way the world treats me. There is no reason why I shouldn't be an active participant in life."

December 28, 2010
"And now, as with most mistakes in life, it's too late to fix it."

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And so here we are. The year is ending. It's been an incredible journey. I dare say it has been one of the top years of my life. Possibly THE top year of my life. I can't really complain about anything.

Thank you all for continuing to be a part of my life. Live each day in the coming year as if it is a gift, because it is.

Happy New Year everyone.

He had changed. I had changed.

I have tried writing my thoughts over and over again. Each time I delete them. I just don't really know what I want to say. The thoughts of Micah's death are still haunting me.

He is gone.

I keep thinking back to our childhood. I used to know him. Why and when did that stop? Why did we go our separate ways? I don't have the answers. I don't remember. I just feel like I missed out on continuing a relationship with someone just because the world told me we were on separate paths.

Screw the world.

Micah was a good person. We were different people, but that should have never kept us apart. I remember the last time I saw Micah. It was at church. I believe it was the summer of 2007. I hadn't seen him in a few years, probably since high school. Through our teenage years, we didn't really talk. We knew of each other because of our past, but we had somehow become just acquaintances by the time we graduated. But the last time I saw him, things were different.

He had changed. I had changed.

We had a small chat that day. I wish I could remember what we talked about. I don't. I very much remember that being the highlight of my day though. On that day, he showed me genuine kindness and interest. Up to that point, I had been somewhat bitter toward my teenage years. People didn't talk to me and I had few friends. I didn't have high opinions of most people I grew up with.

Talking to Micah that day changed my mind. I grew up surrounded by good people. Kids are kids. We could go off for hours about why no one befriended me or why I didn't break out and befriend others. The finger pointing could go back and forth all day. The fact is we were all decent kids.

As adults, we could now look past our differences and talk to each other. He was such a nice person. He was so friendly. It was that moment that I saw a touch of our childhood days return. Back when we didn't care what the world or other friends thought. We were all just kids playing.

The differences never matter when you are a kid.

And on that last day I saw Micah, the differences didn't matter to him. He took the initiative and spoke to me. Something I never would have done. He was the better man. I admired that. I regret not reaching out after that day.

I went home and never saw him again.

But that meeting stayed with me. I always noticed Micah had a love of life. He was passionate about everything he did. I noticed this even when we were no longer friends and just kids that went to school together. I was a people watcher in High School. I remember watching Micah. He was one of those kids I wanted to be like. Someone who you knew had a lot of friends because he was a good friend in return. He was such a positive person.

It's a shame it took death to make me reflect on these things. I can't go back in time as much as I wish I could.

Oh how I wish I could right now.

But I have learned valuable lessons. The last few days, I have reflected on my own life. I want to be remembered in a positive light just as Micah has been. There are things I am already committed to changing. I like to believe I have grown into the person I always dreamed of being. And for the most part that is true, but along the way I have picked up a few characteristics I never wanted. It's time to make a serious change for the better.

I need to be a better person.

I have higher standards then what I have been living. This is not all talk. I have realized with the death of Micah just how short life really can be. We all hear that. But when someone your age that you grew up with dies out of nowhere, and so young, you really understand how fragile life is. It could have easily been me. I could die tomorrow. It is a real possibility. It's not good to live in fear of dying each day, but living a good life so that you are prepared to die at any time is the way I need to start living.

Living for a zest for life, just as Micah did.

Micah

Every day people die.

We rarely feel any emotion when we see these stories on the news. Then someone you know becomes one of these news stories. Suddenly it is near impossible to avoid the overwhelming emotion.

So why don't we feel sorrow when a stranger dies? A connection is missing. There is no way to change it. No matter how hard I try to feel connected to a strangers death, the emotion is never quite the same. Why? Why did I cry today over the news of the death of an old acquaintance? We were never close friends. I hadn't even seen him in over 3 years. We went to each others birthday parties as kids. Went to the same church on Sunday's. We were in cub scouts together. We graduated from the same high school together. We had many classes together over the years. But aside from our childhood connections, we weren't ever close.

So why do I cry tonight? Because he was too young? Because of the tragic circumstances of how he died? Because I think of his family mourning? Because life is precious and taken for granted? All of those things are true. But those are things that go through my head when a stranger dies as well.

And yet this seems more painful. These tears are more real. There is a connection that words cannot express.

Life is full of meetings and farewells. We meet thousands of people in a lifetime. Most don't become close friends. Some we know our entire lives and never really know them. But there is somehow a connection made with each person our life crosses paths with. A connection that can't be explained.

I believe each person we meet along the way has a greater impact on our lives then we can ever know. Cherish each person you meet. In some way or another they are a part of your life. And their impact is unexplainably huge. Each of them.

There is a reason I am emotionally hurt over the news of Micah Huggard's death. He touched my life. He taught me valuable lessons that I have reflected on today and more that I am sure I don't even realize. I was blessed to have crossed paths with him in this life. Just as I am blessed with every person who enters my life.

You will be missed Micah. Thank you for your life.

The rents are in town.

My parents are visiting this weekend. They will be here in a couple of hours. So it's to the theme parks I go the next two days. I guess that's a good thing. I haven't done the theme park scene in a few months. It'll be nice to be back out there as a guest again. And it's going to be good to see my parents. I haven't seen anyone in my family since I left Utah 6 months ago. Wow! Has it really been 6 months?! Time is just flying by.

The eggs in my forehead.

I woke up today and looked in the mirror only to find something absolutely horrifying.

I have to report that I have been attacked by some sort of monster bug. I don't know when it came or what it looked like, but at some point through the night, it got me. My forehead has grown a large red lump with several little holes/bitemarks. It's freakishly large and a little frightening. The worst part is imagining whatever thing did this to me crawling all over my face while I sleep. GROSS. 

I wonder if the monster laid eggs in my forehead. Maybe I will be giving birth to little monsters soon. I am getting the heeby jeebies just thinking of what this thing did to me.... blehhhh.