#lovewins

In 1996, I was 11 years old and I heard a lot back then about the Defense of Marriage Act. See, where I grew up, this was a big deal. DOMA was a victory for America. It upheld our values and would ultimately protect us from downfall. A year earlier, my church had issued The Family: A Proclamation to the World. This proclamation was ingrained into my mind at that young age. That was just the way things were. Being gay was wrong and immoral, so we needed to stand up and protect ourselves. Everyone including my neighbors, my friends, my teachers, my church leaders, and my family stood up for what they believed. And they all believed this same thing. Marriage should be between one man and one woman. I heard no arguments from the other side. I had no choice but to believe what I was hearing. I trusted everyone else, because they had never lead me wrong before. To be clear, I was raised in a very decent and respectable community. The large majority of the values I learned growing up were truly good and made me a better person. I don't think anyone was intentionally hateful. And so I believed them. I went along with it. With every fiber of my being, I believed in DOMA. I believed being gay was wrong. All these good people around me believed it, so it must be true.

That 11 year old boy, however, was also dealing with things that no one knew about. Feelings that he couldn't explain. While it was pressed into my mind that being gay was immoral and wrong, I was fighting an unexplained attraction to the same-sex. This led to some serious self hate. I would beat myself up over these feelings I was having. I hated the person inside of me; the person that wasn't allowed to show himself. He was a terrible and evil person. I was the person my community and my own self were fighting against.

See, this wasn't just about letting gays get married. No, for me, DOMA contributed to a continued self-hate. When people at school called me names, I deserved it. When someone painted FAG across my 8th grade locker, I deserved it. When they made fun of me, I deserved it. When they pushed me, I deserved it. When they abused me, I deserved it. They didn't know I was gay, but I did. So I deserved it. Gays were not people, they were sinners. They didn't deserve what everyone else deserved. In my world, being called gay was the worst insult one could receive. There was no legitimacy to same-sex attraction.

17 years later, I woke up early to watch the Supreme Court decision with the man I love. I've come a long way from 1996. The law I once defended is now a law restricting me from rights. A law that not only takes away marriage, but furthers an anti-gay attitude in communities like the one I was raised in. A law that is now gone. I am emotional today, because for the first time in my life I have hope that all of my family, friends, and neighbors will recognize me as equal. Hope that they will be able to look passed the gay title and see that I am still a person equally deserving of love, life, and a family.

Somewhere today, an 11 year old boy in a Mormon community is struggling with his feelings. He doesn't know what to do because his world seems to be telling him that his feelings are wrong. But this morning, that boy can have hope for a better world. A world where he wont have to hate himself. A world where being gay doesn't mean he deserves to me treated differently than everyone else. His desire and yearning to love and be loved does not make him inferior.

Today I celebrate. One day I will marry the love of my life and we will raise a family. It's hard for some of my friends to understand how deeply emotional today is for us. It's hard because what we are fighting for is something that they have never had to fight for. What was given to you wasn't given to me. I've been fighting my entire life. So today I celebrate a large victory as I continue to fight for equality. For those who are upset today, know that this wont stop. It's time to open your hearts and question what it is you are actually fighting against. My love is a real thing. No one can take that away from me. And it's time you all start seeing that there is nothing that will stop me from loving. Love ALWAYS wins. The time has come to stop fighting it and see the reality. We love. You love. It's pretty simple.

Alan Hashimoto - my mentor gone

I remember my first class with Alan Hashimoto. It was an Illustration class. I will never forget one particular moment in that class. We were sharing rough sketches of concepts for a project he had assigned. Upon reviewing my sketches, he gave a crooked half-smile (one that I would become all too familiar with over the next couple of years) and said to me, "you aren't a very good drawer, are you?" Right there he had bluntly called me out on one of my weaknesses. "Well it's just a rough sketch..." "Yeah, but you aren't a good drawer. I can tell." There was no arguing with him at that point. He directed me to just manipulate photos for this project instead of attempting to actually illustrate a human figure. That's what I did. On final critique day, my project was critiqued with mixed reviews, and ultimately I received a satisfactory grade. But that bothered me for a long time. "Not a good drawer." I felt that even though Alan had told me to use photos in my illustration project, I had somehow cheated and taken a shortcut. I didn't like the feeling. Alan was right. I was a "bad drawer." It's a skill I hadn't quite spent enough time perfecting. His blunt honesty is what pushed me to set a goal. I was determined to improve my illustration skills. I started practicing my sketching skills right then and there. By the end of that semester, I had submitted a illustrated book cover in which I painstakingly illustrated each figure on the cover as well as I could in hopes I could gain Alan's approval. It wasn't perfect by any means. In final critique on that project, Alan looked at my cover and said, "This is pretty good. It's a very unique illustration style and you pulled it off pretty well." He emphasized it wasn't perfect, but that it was good. I am not sure if he remember that just months earlier he had told me I was a "bad drawer" and to give up on sketching. But receiving his praise that day felt amazing. Alan always had a unique way of getting me to motivate myself. Just two years later, Alan was convincing me to sign up for a 3D animation class. He was sure that I would be successful with it. He was right.

2012: The Best Year of My Life.

A year ago, I was upset and disappointed with where my life seemed to be going. At every turn, it seemed I was met with failure. Instead of continuing to live like that, I knew some changes had to be made. If my life path wasn't working out, I needed to take control and find a new path. In 2012, that is exactly what I did. The past year has been full of huge risks, new places and people, trials and setbacks, joyous reunions, new discoveries, real perspective, and deep emotions I once considered my life devoid of.

Why I Don't Give Thanks.

I have always been a very grateful person. This year my eyes have been opened up to a lot, and my world has become a larger place. And at this time of Thanksgiving, I simply can't give thanks. Here's why:

My Kenyan Adventure - Journal Entry 2

4/17/12

Where to start? It's only been two days since I last wrote, but it feels like so much has happened in those two short days. It feels like it's been weeks. Yesterday morning we (the new volunteers) were picked up from Regina's house and taken to orientation. Orientation is where we finally met the entire Fadhili staff. They are the local organization that IVHQ works with in Kenya. There seem to be fantastic people and were very good to us. It was good to hear from them and finally have some of our fears settled a little bit. Beyond learning more about the organization, special projects, and rules/regulations, they also assigned us each to our project locations.

My Kenyan Adventure - Journal Entry 1

April 15, 2012

Jambo! I am currently in a home in Nairobi, Kenya. Yes, this is my real life. There is so much to say. My head has been racing since I got here. I don't know how I am going to put these thoughts and feelings into worked, but we will see how it goes.

This journey actually begins years ago. We all see the images and read the stories about poverty and death in third-world countries. Those stories always would bring me to tears. I always felt like there was so much more we could do to help. So much more that I could do. I have donated money, but sometime in my early college years, after watching another documentary about Africa, I told myself I need to do more. I made it a life goal to one day visit Africa and help these people. They were so far away, yet I always felt this unexplainable connection to their pain.

Be Mine. (someday)