Essence of Sitruc

Be Mine. (someday)

2012-02-14T23:38:00.000-05:00

Looking ahead to a new year with new dreams.

2011-12-30T21:19:00.000-05:00

Usually at this time of the year, I would take the time to reflect and share my major accomplishments, failures, and emotions of the past year. While there have been a fair share of all of those in my life this year, I instead want to do this a little differently this year. I love to reflect back, but I am at a point right now where I am really focused on looking forward. With that, I would like to share with you what is ahead for Curtis in 2012.

As you know, I would be foolish to not throw out a disclaimer that all these plans are subject to change. Things in life don't always follow plan. This is especially true in my life, so keep in mind things could change, but it is going to take some pretty big factors to change the plan.

I believe that each of us is full of potential and it is our responsibility to reach that potential and make positive change in this world. I am not reaching my potential and so I must change my circumstances. I have control.

And so it is with much thought and reflection that I have decided it is time for me to leave Florida and Walt Disney World.

This may come as a pretty big shock to many of you. I have put a lot of energy and effort into building a career here. The years I have spent with this company have been the greatest years of my life. Nothing will ever quite be as magical. I came out here, made my dreams come true, and it changed my life. Now the time has come for me to go chase new dreams. I know I have a lot to offer this world and I can't stop here. I've got big things ahead. I will never say my time with Disney is over forever, however, for the time being, this is it.

So where to?

Well I will be staying around until March. At that time I will be returning to Utah for a few weeks to see family and friends before my next journey. In April, I will be setting off to accomplish a dream I have had for a while. I will be going to Africa on a volunteer trip (with International Volunteer HQ). For two months, I will be teaching in local schools and helping at orphanages in Kenya. This is something I have been passionate about, but have never had the courage to just give up my time to do it. This will be a time for me to put all my selfish desires aside and focus on helping people who have struggles that make mine look like minor bumps in the road. I will be providing a lot more information about this in the coming weeks and months as I prepare to leave so please stay tuned. I may be asking for fundraising help as well. It's certainly not cheap to do this, but I had to just get over my excuses and do it. I can't sit here and claim to want to help the world but do nothing about it. It's time for me to contribute myself to the world.

After returning from Africa in June, I will be moving to California in what may be the riskiest thing I have ever done. I will have no job, no place to live, and no money. I have to follow my heart and mind though. The jobs I want and can excel at are there. It's where I need to be if I want to succeed in my career and make an impact. The ultimate goal will be to end up in the Bay Area, but I may start out somewhere else depending on how jobs and apartments go. From there, we will see.

So there you have it. 2012 is going to bring some big changes. I am terrified, but I am excited. I am unprepared, but I am ready.

Laugh at Life

2011-12-04T08:51:00.001-05:00

I am obviously allergic to something, but with no insurance, just going to have to wait this one out. In the meantime, I think I look ridiculously hilarious. You gotta laugh at life.

Click for more photos...

Farewell

2011-12-01T12:30:00.000-05:00

I keep asking myself why my reaction has been so extreme. Years of this game has left me accustomed to this sort of outcome. And this certainly was not a complex case. Every red flag was raised early and raised high. Everything my gut would normally tell me to avoid was present and accounted for. When ignoring my instincts in the past, I have always at the very least cached an acknowledgement that they existed. This time around, I not only catapulted instinct and gut feeling to the side, but I completely annihilated them from my system. Somehow by just accepting the divergence from my self-assumed previous sanity, I
escorted myself into what seemed to be the most inherently normal and natural twitterpation cycle I have ever been exposed to.

I have been known to amplify attachment and infatuation too swiftly and with minimal study. I didn't do that here. No. This was a very casual progression of emotion. Was I in love? No. Was I falling? No. I was just savoring the way things were going. Everything was proceeding along so flawlessly that I imprudently assumed the progression would ultimately develop into falling, and potentially even the most forbidden of 4-letter words. I was not by any measure grasping onto those emotions just yet, however, for the first time in my life, I had accepted that road as a viable possibility. I was in an emotional mode of hope for uncharted territory in my heart. Never had I been headed down this path and been ready for it in the same moment. As it appeared, fate was finally determined to be on my side.

This is where karma swooped in and threw me into a whirlwind of frenzied emotion I had not foreseen. My previous fear of commitment has left many hurt and wounded hearts. The most dismantled heart among those is none other than my own. I had finally reached the breaking point and was ready to experience something absolute, but now I was on the receiving end of a soul who will walk down the same abandoned highway I travel. You trampled and crushed me. Picture perfect is a rare find. Giving it up because you can't conquer your own suspicion is senseless and idiotic. I know because I have been there. Time will pass by, maturity will conquer, and you will look back to find remorse and agony for the moments you can't restore. Nothing is more painful and distressing than the realization that your own foolish doubts have left you in a state of infinite secluded sorrow. Though you will likely not accept it, this knowledge is the only gift I leave you.

Farewell.

My Four Best Friends. Thanks.

2011-11-24T19:20:00.001-05:00

As I sit here on a lonely Thanksgiving night, I can't help but reflect on all the wonderful things in my life. I have noticed in my life that no matter my situation, I am blessed with great people in my life. In the past, I have expressed my gratitude for my friends around the world. I have truly been fortunate in the last several years to have grown close to some incredible people. Whether it was at college, in Florida, or in Michigan, I have been able to obtain a network of good friends who I consider family. But tonight I wish to reflect on just four friends. Four friends who I overlook far too often. These are my four bet friends. And tonight, I owe thanks to them.

Jennifer Yorgason. My big sister. Growing up in a family of 5 kids, Jenny was the first and sorta the guinea pig. Though we were six years apart, I always felt a special closeness to my oldest sister. I watched her grow up while growing a bundle of anticipation. I didn't really have a childhood that most other kids had because I was different. But I used to think once I got to the age of my older sister everything would be better. She was the first to go to high school. She was the first to drive. The first to start dating. She was the first sibling with her own room. She was the first to have a job. The first to get married. The first to have a child. I used to admire the excitement she had experiencing all these new things. I wanted to be like her. Things didn't end up quite the same for me, but it was important for me to have that to look up to as a little child. I don't know if I ever admitted it, but I missed her when she married and left the house. It hit me then that my big sister was gone. Things wouldn't be the same at home ever again. No more nights of the parent leaving Jenny in charge. Jenny was always the responsible one to me. Once I began growing into an adult, Jenny was the sibling I could talk to the most. Our phone conversations are more rare than they should be, but when they happen they go on for hours. She will continue listening to whatever I have to say. I find an indescribable comfort when talking to my oldest sister. There was a time in the last few years when I didn't really know where my relationship with any of my family members stood. During this time, I never once felt that I couldn't talk to Jenny. She was for a time the only one I felt still knew Curtis was just Curtis. That meant for to me during that time than she will ever know. Just as she did when we were young, my sister still cares for me as her little brother and will always be there to laugh with me. This is why Jenny is my best friend.

Russell Collins. My only brother. It would be a lie to call my relationship with Russell growing up perfect. In fact it was not perfect at all. Of all my siblings, I struggled most to get along with my brother. We were two very different people. And I know that there is no way I was the little brother he wished for. Other guys got brothers that would play sports with them, go hunting with them, talk cars and girls with them, wrestle around just for fun, and all the other things typical boys do growing up. I was not the typical little brother. I stayed inside with my toys and legos. I hated sports more than anything else in the world. I was drawing pictures while Russell and my father watched the football games. And I know it had to have been embarrassing to have a little brother with Nsync posters up on his wall. If one were to read any of my childhood journals, you would find that I was usually extremely frustrated with my brother. I didn't always have the nicest things to say about him. But it's the things I chose to ignore in my childhood that give a real glance at my relationship with my brother. My brother didn't get the brother that was easy. He got the brother he had to watch over and protect. He was the one tasked with watching over me at school. The one who defended me. The one who sacrificed a lot to satisfy parents who were worried about his younger brother. I didn't appreciate any of this then, but I do now. I didn't like my brother growing up because I was jealous of him. My old journals won't tell you that. But Russell was the older brother who seemed perfect in the eyes of everyone else. I was jealous that he had all the manly things in common with my father. I never had that close relationship when growing up. At school teachers always compared or told me about how great my older brother was. At church people talked to me more about my brother than they ever did about myself. I had to fill these shoes that just didn't fit me. People loved my brother. And instead of admiring that, I turned it into hatred. I am not proud of that, but thank goodness we keep living after childhood. My relationship with my brother now is in a place I never thought it would be. When I came out to my family three years ago, Russell was the only one I couldn't tell. I was so worried about losing him. His reaction with the news has been the most touching of anyone. We have always been different, but the last few years those differences have brought us close. I am proud to have him as a brother. I appreciate that even as an adult, he still has my back and wants to help me with any obstacle I face. Knowing that my brother loves me is a blessing I hold dear. I am no longer jealous, but admire that people are so impressed by my brother. This is why Russell is my best friend.

Christine Davis. The little sister who I claim stole my childhood. I do tell stories of my little sister, Christy, who came along just a year after me and stole all my attention. Wether this is true or not is up for debate, but was isn't disputable is the fact that my childhood would have been even more lonely without her. I didn't have friends growing up. Instead I had Christy. We were close in age and as kids we played together a lot. We experienced life stages and growing up together. If I related to any sibling the most growing up, it was Christy. Being close also came with downsides too of course. We didn't always get along, but I always knew my sister was there for me. It's hard for me to accept that my little sister has grown up so quickly. Somewhere along the road, she managed to pass me up. I kinda always figured she would. Even though she was the younger one, i always knew deep down that she was far more prepared for life than I was. She is now married with three kids of her own. Weren't we supposed to experience all of life's stages together?! As adults, we are now finally each on our own path. It's hard to accept, but it's also a good thing. I still hold tight to all the memories we have together. I spent more time with her than any other single person growing up. There is a special bond between us that will never be explained. We no longer play dress up, color together, or complain about the same teachers together. I don't play the piano and yell at her to dance anymore. But it will still ALWAYS be Curtis and Christy. The twins. There are times even now when we are together I feel like we are just two little kids together again with no worries or cares. Just us. This is why Christy is my best friend.

Brittany Collins. The baby. We all used to fight over Brittany as a baby. Everyone wanted her attention. In the end, I like to think that I won. Just saying. All my other siblings grew up looking after me. Bri was the only sibling that I was able to look out for. I am sure more than not, she was embarrassed by her brother, but I was determined to play the older sibling role. Brittany is the sibling who probably had the most patience with my oddities. I am sure she still rolls her eyes when I ramble off about my random pop culture facts. But she shows interest in my hobbies even when she probably could care less. I have always appreciated that. In our older years, me and bri have been left as the only single kids left. I think this has brought us really close. Me and Bri talk to each other more than anyone else in the family. I love to share my stories of life with her. These are the stories that I think the rest of my family might not be able to take. Haha. I am so proud as I watch my baby sister grow into an independent woman. I have made enough mistakes in my life that I feel a need to help guide my little sister. I want her to experience all the amazing aspects of life that I have. I see so much potential in her. I am hanging onto her as long as I can, because I know that soon enough she will meet someone and join our other siblings in the world of marriage and children. Until then I have my lil sis to compare dating disasters with. I look at Bri as someone who has taken control of her life and followed her dreams. I like to take credit for being her inspiration, but the truth is she inspires me just as much. I am so proud of her and know she will continue to grow into an amazing woman. And I know even when I am the only one left at the single table, she will still come over to oblige Curtis and his story time. This is why Brittany is my best friend.

My family knows that I hate to say the "love" word. I don't express my sappy emotions much at all. But I wanted each of them to know that on this day, and every day, I am grateful for them. I may not have had friends as a child, but I didn't need them. Because I had the four BEST friends I could have asked for at home. Thank you for always being there. I may be the black sheep, but this black sheep feels most himself when he is with you white sheep.

A Reason.

2011-11-19T15:52:00.001-05:00

I was recently giving a new friend the retelling of my short-lived homeless days. I was explaining how while I was living out of my car, I began a strange new habit. I began leaving a minimum of 50% gratuity when eating out (which was rare while homeless, but the habit continued after I found a place to live). Why, when I couldn't even afford a roof over my head, would I be giving the little money I had away so irresponsibly? Because in my time of need, people stepped in and helped me. Offering me food, couches to sleep on, showers to use, and so much more. I had never experienced so much selfless giving. So I felt it my responsibility to pay it forward. In our darkest moments, we sometimes learn our most valuable lessons.

The last few months have been hard on me. My closest friends and family all already know this. Good fortune has not really been on my side and all aspects of my life have been struggling. Defeat from the world has left me crushed and searching for what I want out of life. It has lead me down a road of internal conversation that I would not have taken if I had been blessed with success the last several months.

I know there was a reason for this. First of all, I have come out of the darkness still standing. Bruised and hurt? Yes. But I am still standing tall. But more importantly, I have learned more about what it is to live. I have a better understanding of how to take control of my life and my attitude even in the most depressing of circumstances. I haven't stopped fighting for even a day and while it seemed this fight was a waste, it was truly a victory for me as a person.

I have not made it completely out of the trenches yet, but in the last 3 or 4 weeks, my entire situation has turned around. When all hope was lost, a multitude of miracles lined up quickly in a row. Call it fate. Call it God. Call it luck. 4 weeks ago I was lonely, financially ruined, spiritually struggling, and creatively dead. Today I can give an opposite description of my life. And I am more happy than I have been in several months.

There is always a reason for our struggles.

The strength of 4 years.

2011-09-19T13:48:00.000-04:00

This week marks four years since I made the life-altering decision to come out to my closest friends. It took over a year to completely come out to my family, but the journey of coming out began in September of 2007. I can remember the emotions as if it happened yesterday. That was such an exciting, yet terrifying moment of time in my life.

I now sit and reflect on that young man who found the courage to be honest with himself and the world four years ago and where that young man has ended up today. I am proud of what I have accomplished in my personal life in the last four years. The struggle is not over and never will be, but I have been on a journey that has lead me to find myself. The true me. I know Curtis better now then I ever have in my entire life. I am not ashamed of who I am, nor do I have any regrets.

I am now more capable of accomplishing goals and dreams than that young man was in 2007. He had a lot to learn. There is no way he saw the future. He didn't see what an amazing and incredible man he would quickly become. Standing tall as a gay man from a very strict religious mormon background is not easy. I am still amazed I had the balls to do it, and I am only stronger for it. There is no mountain I cannot climb.

This is a life I would have never asked for, but it has exceeded my wildest expectations of a fulfilled life. This week I am joyful of where I have been, where I am now, and where I am headed.

Defeating defeated.

2011-09-18T00:55:00.000-04:00

The last few months have left me searching for a light that doesn't seem to exist. Every turn seems to take me further and further into a dark hole of failed life. My mind, whether it be focused the multiple job rejections, the death of my grandpa, the financial struggles, or the continued absence of romance, can't seem to find peace in any aspect of my life.

A few days ago, after another job interview and rejection, I found myself feeling the most defeated I have ever felt in my life. But surely I should be more positive right? I have been in worse situations. There is no doubt about that. I mean I lived out of my car at one point a couple years ago. So how could I be so down now? I am healthy. I have a job and a roof over my head. I have good friends. My family relationships have vastly improved over the last two years. So WHY is this so difficult for me right now?

Why? Because this is the first time in my life I feel like there is no light at the end of that tunnel. Every time I have dealt with struggle in my life, I knew there were bigger things ahead. The last few months have all lead me to this point in my life where I don't see a promising future for me. I have lost hope.

Reality is sinking in for me. I am still young, yes. However, I have been single my entire life and am in my late twenties. People my age are either in committed relationships or have been. I have nothing. As I get older, the hope that someday I am just going to find the one gets smaller. I am coming to realize I may just be alone forever. I want kids while I am young. I want to start a family. I would be such a great father! I get so excited just thinking of it. But the reality is that it may not happen.

I have put everything into a career with Disney. My heart and soul has been devoted to this dream. And I had almost made it! I was so close! And now I am back at the bottom trying to fight my way up. I have networked. I have shmoozed. I have worked my butt off. I have impressed everyone I have worked with here. Everyone. Yet, I have been rejected for dozens and dozens (no exaggeration) of positions. Even my attempts to leave the company have gone nowhere. Here I am at the start of my career with nowhere to go. I am stuck and working so hard to get something with zero results. And I quite frankly and terrified for the future of my career. Terrified.

So what do I do?

The key is perspective, and the last two days I have realized that I need more of it. Things seems terrible. Things are terrible. So what. When has my life ever let me down? Never. Things ALWAYS get better. And it's those hard times that I always look back on now with an understanding of how they lead me to where I am now. It's easy to lose sight of that. All of this is to prepare me for the future. I have no way of understanding now what these events are leading me to.

No person can become great until they have suffered a life failure of epic proportions. I am going to be great. When I leave this world, people will NOT forget me. And so this is a little setback. It will be a great chapter when people generations from now tell my story. And I expect much larger problems to arise in my life. I am talking HUGE. If I can't handle this, how will I ever handle those?

Now is not the time for me to give up and lose hope. I am discouraged. It's hard. I am human and things to affect me. I will rise above this though. I wont stop doing what I am doing. 50 job rejections in the past year? I can handle more then that. Bring it on! 26 and still single? So what. I am in love with the person I have become. I could live another 26 years with myself and still love me. If no one else can connect with the incredible person I am, then that's fine. I am strong enough to survive alone. God will somehow give me a family regardless. I am sure of that.

So I will get through. I still worry daily about my future. I still consider all options when it comes to my career. I am ready to embrace change and live out new dreams. My unknown future is exciting and one day people will be jealous.

A Hollywood Love.

2011-06-20T23:38:00.000-04:00

It happens to us anytime we watch Julia Roberts or Meg Ryan find love on screen. Each time the Princess rides off with her Princess. Or in every time we hear Celine or Whitney belt out some cheesy line about being in love. We feel something.

Why isn't love like it is in the movies?

A question we all ask. We ask it so much that it has become a cliche. But take a minute to analyze that question. Why isn't love like it is in the movies? We long for a love that can only be found in the fantasy worlds of Hollywood.

Is that true though? I mean, does that love really only exist in movies? Is love like that impossible to find? I hate to think so. I haven't experienced it. Maybe I never will. But I am going to spend my life searching for it. I want to feel a love that I can't explain. I want that.

These ideas of love must have started somewhere. Creativity is inspired by real life events. So I have to believe that someone somewhere experienced a fairytale worthy romance and inspired what we now think is an unobtainable love.

I just think that there should be more to a relationship then sex, dinners, and chocolate. There is an emotion that we all feel while watching this Hollywood love that we all yearn for. So if we all want it, isn't it safe to assume we all could just make it happen?

I think it exists. I want it. I will find it.

The end is near. . . well, it's tomorrow actually.

2011-06-16T22:36:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my last day with Disney Distribution Marketing. What an incredible year it has been. There are so many things I will take with me from this experience, but I think what I will treasure most are the people I have been able to meet along the way. We have made some incredible memories together.

There are so many people at this office who have my back. I am always so amazed at how many people are fighting for me to succeed. I can't thank any of them enough for what they have done for my career. Whether it was setting me up with meet and greets or sitting me down for career discussions, they have never stopped looking out for me. I have made professional contacts here that I will continue to keep in touch with for the rest of my life. We have some amazing leaders (and future leaders) at this company. They have impressed me every step of the way. I learn just from watching them.

And then, of course, there were those here who grew into more then just professional contacts. Those who have become dear friends. I could not have asked for a better mixture of people to work with on my team. Todd, Shannon, Kelsey, and Anna, what a fabulous time we have had together. I could write a book full of all our fun memories and it would be a best-seller at Urban Outfitters for sure. I am so grateful you all embraced my sometimes overly sarcastic personality with open arms. Not every day was full of roses. Yet, looking back, I don't know of a SINGLE day that we did not share a moment of laughter. You all helped me struggle through the bad days and you all celebrated the good days by my side. Without our friendship, I would not have enjoyed this experience like I have. I could go on for hours writing about all the moments we have created together, but that would bore all the people who don't understand us. I can just look forward to the years of reminiscing ahead of us. We have an endless supply of stories and blackmail on each other. I can't wait!

I don't really know what the future holds for me. I am taking a step into the dark. I can look back however, and clearly see the path I have left behind me. And it's a path I treasure. Thank you to everyone I have worked with in the past year. There are too many names to list, but you know who you are. Some day, we will all be working together again. I know that.

Cheers!

Oh Gaga. How did you snatch me up?

2011-05-28T17:50:00.000-04:00

It's official, Curtis is a little monster.

Put your paws up!

Defying Gravity

2011-05-16T22:10:00.001-04:00

The kid in this video is Matthew. He is the coolest 3 year old on the planet and I miss him! I also miss the days of being a kid. The older I get, the more I realize that we all had it right when we were kids. We let the world brainwash us. True happiness is being a child.

Afterthought. Nah. Find someone else for that.

2011-05-01T21:14:00.000-04:00

I am over being an afterthought. Always remembered at the last minute.

Yeah, it gets old.

I am not in the mood to put up with it anymore. I have other people in my life too. People who don't just want me around when it's convenient.

Thanks. Bye bye now.

4.20 and I am so f'n high

2011-04-20T18:57:00.002-04:00

High on life that is! Suckers!!!

I am happy.

Can it really be that simple?

No long explanations?

No dramatic tales?

No glorious miracles?

Nope.

I am just happy.

Just my annual stop at a major life crossroad. No biggie.

2011-04-18T17:50:00.003-04:00

There are moments in our lives when we reach a major crossroad. Life is suddenly left in uncertainty with no clear direction. The decisions we make and path we take in these moments defines who we are. Now, in my recent years, this major crossroad moment has seemed to come up on an annual basis. I don't think that is normal, but for me it has been like clockwork. As I have a couple months to prepare for my latest life-shattering crossroad, I am contemplating my past and future (as I tend to do when this moment arises).

The last 10 months of my life have been incredible. I have learned valuable lessons at my job and made some amazing friends. It is not going to be easy to leave this. I wish for miracles, but prepare for the worst. In two months, this road ends and I am back at the crossroad. Which way to go?

I could tell myself life is horrible and that I will never get my big break. The world is cruel and against me. I do everything I can, but never get the prize. My future is hopeless. But let's be real, that isn't Curtis. I can't look at life like that. Not after all I have been through. Do we all remember two years ago (again at a crossroads moment) when I was living out of my car, homeless, flat broke, and unaware of the coming months that would soon become the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining months of my life? I have been through some hard patches and yet I always come through shining. So I know I will reach the light in the end. It's just a matter of not knowing how long the tunnel is going to be.

The past 10 months at this job have prepared me for the unknown. Perhaps the greatest value I will take from all of this when it's over are the relationships. There are incredible people here who will always have my back. I have been able to network with people from all over the company. V.P.'s, Managers, Coordinators, and even fellow interns. Each of them made a lasting impression on me. Learning from these amazing individuals has lead to exponential improvement in my professional life. I cannot provide a summary of everything they have taught me without spending hours of typing. However, there does seem to be a general theme I have picked up that I would like to share.

My path isn't working out like ANY of theirs did. That used to bother me. . . until I caught on to reality. No one has an exact formula. Everyone has achieved success by taking their own path. The fact is that I am making my own path and someday an intern will come meet with me in my office asking me how I got to that seat. And the journey I will share with them will not be like any of the journey's I have heard. I am carving my own path to my future by using the advice and direction from the great and inspiring people I have been surrounded with.

There are always going to be major hurdles in the road for me. Some people don't hit those major obstacles. But those of us lucky ones hit them a lot. It's because of that, that I will be successful. Nothing is handed to me on a platter, and often I feel like I am working 10 times harder to achieve my goals then the average person out there is. And that might actually just be the truth! And I may get jealous of those others, but in the end I will be better for it.

My future is eerily unknown. It can be frightening. It is frightening. But I am going to make it through this one. I look forward with caution and optimism, as I continue to fight as hard as I can to reach my dreams. Nothing is going to stop me. I am on my way no matter how many times I get knocked down.

Throwing punches.

2011-03-17T17:50:00.001-04:00

Sometimes things just don't go your way. At all. It's that simple.

You don't ever give up. You put your hear and soul into everything you do. Yet sometimes everything that is supposed to happen just simply doesn't happen.

All rules of nature and science are disregarded and you are left in blackened solitude.

The world usually gives you back what you put in, but on these rare occasions, the world completely ignores your efforts.

Fighting back normally works, but you are now throwing punches in the air.

What then are you supposed to do?

We are all human. Give.

2011-03-13T13:08:00.001-04:00

If you have ever been loved, you owe the world.

Share it. Now.

Yasushi Kanno / The Yomiuri Shimbun via AP

Kyodo / Reuters

Shuhei Yokoyama / AP

Kyodo via Reuters

Yonhap via AFP - Getty Images

We are all human.

Please Give Here.

Maybe I am right this time.

2011-03-09T23:54:00.000-05:00

I value my friends input. I value others opinions. I embrace the help.

But in this case, I am just going to do what my heart tells me to do. I may crash and burn. I may get left by the side of the road in the pouring rain. My heart may end up crushed and trampled over. And I will know then that listening to everyone else may have given better results.

HOWEVER...

I would rather claim a victory knowing I won by being myself and true to my feelings than to obtain a prize that everyone else won for me.

Break the Ice

2011-03-07T18:27:00.001-05:00

Stories and tidbits from my life that tend to be good conversation pieces.

I had lunch with JC Chasez.

My mother's maiden name is Bambi Mustard.

I was once homeless and lived out of a car.

I spent a summer living in a converted halfway house.

I worked in the pet department.... at Walmart.

I was 22 years old when I said my first swear word out loud. No lie.

Miami Trip 2009. Soggy bread.

I once sliced my thumb open with a tuna can.

I grew up a Mormon.

I once went 4 days with no sleep.

And the Oscar goes to. . .

2011-03-02T22:30:00.002-05:00

Some of our creative Oscar-themed food and drink from our Oscar Viewing on Sunday. Special thanks to Katie Novak and Alix David. Next year we will have more time. ;)

(Not pictured is "The Seacrest" which was one of my favorite drinks of the night and deserves a mention)

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Left–"The Kings Speech" Fish and Chips.

Right–"The Fighter" Bruised Grilled Cheese.

(I tried to explain to Katie that British "chips" are actually fries, not crisps)

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"The Kids Are Alright" Tuna Dip.

(If you have to ask why Tuna, then you don't fully understand our sense of humor)

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The James 'Franco'furter.

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"127 Hours"

Trail Mix and Gatorade.

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"Inception" Upside-down Layered Shots.

Yummy Dole Pineapple Juice!

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"Toy Story 3" Juice Box.

(Contents for ages 21 and up only)

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Left–The Anne Hathaway. Right–"Social Network"tini.

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The Natalie

(As beautiful, classy, and perfect as the Goddess who inspired it)

Maybe love does prevail!

2011-02-25T18:42:00.000-05:00

I have been waiting 7 years for them to get back together. I mean, if Barbie and Ken can't even make it, what hope do I have?!?! But things are looking up my friends! Barbie, if you are reading this, please give Ken a chance. He loves you!

In A Relationship.

2011-02-17T22:42:00.000-05:00

I have found a new love. My career. I am not sitting around anymore waiting for things to come to me. I am more focused then ever to making something of myself in my professional life. The possibilities are endless if I put in the work. I have set specific goals for my career and am ready to go out and make my name be known.

Already I am seeing my life change. This renewed energy has vastly improved my emotional state. I am so much happier at work knowing I have something I am working toward. And I have gained an odd sense of self confidence. And being satisfied at work has made me much more positive coming home. In general, I am just a happier person.

6 Years and Counting

2011-02-02T19:56:00.001-05:00

This week I celebrated 6 years with Disney.

Pictured in the collage above are over 20 of the various costumes I have worn while at Disney over the last 6 years. Can you name any of them?

It's been a great experience and here is hoping for many many more good years with the mouse!

Is that not the scoreboard?!

2011-01-29T12:42:00.001-05:00

I miss these moments more than anything right now. Always an Aggie.

Thanks for the phone call.

2011-01-23T21:02:00.000-05:00

It is nice to know that at 25 years old I am still, and always will be, a disappointment to my parents.

It's even better to hear it straight from them. Doesn't hurt at all.

I have spent a lifetime seeking approval from them and it just simply isn't ever going to happen. There has always been something I wasn't good enough at. Always something to criticize.

I will never be good enough. Not for them.

Obsession.

2011-01-23T12:02:00.000-05:00

I have an obsession with gaining acceptance from those who don't give it freely.

I always put too much faith in people. How many times do you give someone a chance before you just cut it off? I wish I was someone who could easily remove people from my life. I can't. I fight to keep people in my life. People who don't even care to be there.

I have an obsession with gaining acceptance from those who don't give it freely.

Why am I so attached? Why can't I just be satisfied with the ones who want me in their lives? Why isn't that enough?

I have an obsession with gaining acceptance from those who don't give it freely.

Maybe because growing up I wasn't accepted. Not by anyone. And now when people accept me, I am TERRIFIED of them changing their minds. TERRIFIED. The reality is that there are a lot of people and friends who do accept me and love me.

Yet, I have an obsession with gaining acceptance from those who don't give it freely.

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

2011-01-22T15:14:00.002-05:00

There are just certain forces we can't explain or control. Just have to let them happen and deal with the inevitable rejection later.

NOW HIRING: Sitcom Writers

2011-01-21T19:37:00.000-05:00

Remember the season of FRIENDS when the writers thought it would be a good idea to explore a storyline where Joey and Rachel fall for each other?

I thought it was ridiculous and stupid. Joey, out of nowhere just falls for a friend who he has never really had a romantic chemistry or past with?

No.

Not possible.

That doesn't happen in real life.

Right?

I kid! I kid!

2011-01-20T17:48:00.000-05:00

What do you call a nun sleep walking?

A Roamin Catholic!

I am pretty sure my coworkers can't wait for me to run out of Laffy Taffy.

About last night...

2011-01-19T17:56:00.000-05:00

I tend to take hints that don't exist.

The result is a hot mess.

Mom and Dad, be proud.

2011-01-17T12:30:00.002-05:00

I am in love with a woman.

No explanation.

2011-01-15T19:10:00.000-05:00

Everything logical AND emotional tells me this is not supposed to be happening.

So why is it happening? And why am I wanting it to?

2010: The journey into adulthood.

2010-12-31T17:50:00.003-05:00

As I reflect on the past year of my life and try to come up with something to say, I am too overwhelmed. There is just too much to say. So I have decided the best way to share the experiences of my 2010 with all of you is to share with you some things I have already written.

The following are passages from my personal journal. Yes, I have a personal journal. If you thought I share too much information online, then just imagine the things I write in this journal! I always wonder who will end up with my journals when I die. Because that person is in no way prepared for the secrets these books contain. Really though, no one is prepared.

The real Curtis is found in these writings. People would be shocked to know him. With that said, I will only share with you limited selections from the past 12 months of my writings. And I will keep the really juicy stuff out. Sorry kids. You're gonna have to wait for me to die to get those stories.

---------

January 1, 2010
"2010 is going to bring some major changes to my life. I graduate and enter the real world soon. It's frightening to me, but I know I can handle it. I vow to make 2010 another year of personal growth and of happiness."

January 22, 2010
"The reality is that I graduate in less then four months and I am not ready for the real world. The future is frightening. What will happen if my dreams don't come true? I am such a believer in dreams that I rarely stop to contemplate a scenario where they don't come true. Today I stopped to contemplate such a scenario. I didn't like it. What is the point of living if dreams don't come true?"

"10 days ago, the country of Haiti was hit with a disastrous earthquake. The death toll is estimated between 50,000 and over 200,000. The images of the aftermath are honestly the most disturbing images I have ever seen. They are filling DUMPSTERS with dead bodies! I cry every time I watch anything about it. No one else around me seems to even care. It's so far away, I guess people have a hard time feeling it's real . . . I can't even stress to you how much it hurts me. . . I feel helpless. Donating money is all I can do, but I want a future that will allow me to do more. So many people in this world need help. I want to help them. I need to help them. . . As ridiculous as it sounds, I do believe I can change the world. My biggest fear is that I wont."

February 13, 2010
". . . with each passing year it gets more and more difficult to watch everyone find love except me. The older I get, the more I wonder if I will EVER find someone. . . And people can tell me it will happen in time, but that's bull shit."

February 27, 2010
"I skipped all my classes except one this week. Senioritis has kicked in at an all time high now."

March 7, 2010
"On Friday, I was a part of the Disney Street Team in Salt Lake City on the Give A Day, Get A Day National Tour. . . It reminded me once again why I want to work for Disney. It makes me unbelievably happy. And i am getting a little sick of the jokes about it. Yes! I want to work for them! Shut the hell up and deal with it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with me or my dreams. I am a good sport and laugh at myself, but even I have a breaking point."

March 10, 2010
"I felt like the interview went well. I did my best and the rest is out of my hands."

April 12, 2010
"Dreams come true. I live by that motto. Maybe I believe it a little too much. . . there I found a rejection letter from Walt Disney World casting. . . My spirits have been crushed. i have so many different emotions ranging from anger to sorrow to confusion. . . My life will have been for nothing if I give up [on my dream] now. Regardless, today was a huge set back. . . I think everyone needs a good, hard failure in the pathway to their dream. It puts things in perspective. It is now my responsibility to learn from this and come out fighting even harder."

April 15, 2010
"Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing."

April 20, 2010

"I have found a backup dream about to come true! I have been accepted into Disney Entertainment as a Character Performer! I start June 7th and listed as a face character. This really is the best scenario possible for a backup plan.

April 22, 2010
"I was woken up by a phone call from Disney Distribution Marketing asking me to interview for their Graphic Design Internship. Just two hours later they called me for the interview. It went well and I am optimistic, but not getting my hopes too high. I don't want to be crushed again. And I am honestly completely satisfied with doing 6 months in Entertainment. It's a job I never thought I would be qualified for. I am still in shock I got it. My life is blessed. It seems, in time, all of my dreams will come true.

April 25, 2010
"Right now I could be very upset with the way things are going in my life. I choose instead to react positively. When I am positive and when I refuse to give up, I always end up rewarded."

May 6, 2010
"This is it. It has finally come. In less then two days I will officially be a college graduate. I always get a little emotional when it is time for a major change in my life. I am going to miss Utah State University and Logan. It's been an unexpected adventure. The last four years have been the greatest four years of my life. I wouldn't trade a single moment. On Wednesday night, I took one last walk through the Art Building on campus. I was overwhelming as I walked through old rooms while memories flooded my mind. I reflected on the journey I have taken over the last four years. My very first class was a drawing class. I was so afraid to get back into art. I remember going to that first day of class terrified of what was to come. I have discovered myself through rediscovering my passions in that very building. I stepped into the main graphic design classroom alone and looked around for a couple minutes. Words can't describe how special that room is to me. It's going to be hard to leave the friends and teachers from this program. I shed a small tear as I turned off the lights and left the graphic design studio for the last time ever. And now as I say goodbye to a chapter of life, I prepare to say hello to a new chapter. Last Friday, I was offered a graphic design internship with Disney. . . I am excited and sad to leave my college years behind, but I take comfort in knowing I have no regrets. Not a single one. I will always look back on these years and smile knowing I accomplished EVERY SINGLE goal I had. That is a huge blessing and accomplishment."

May 8, 2010
"Graduating college is by far the greatest accomplishment of my life up to this point. I can't even explain how much of myself I have put into this. It's been an incredible journey. I have discovered myself. I am scared for the future. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I don't know if I am ready, but I am prepared. The last several years have taught me to ask questions and search for the answers. I will continue to learn and grow. This is a bittersweet ending to this chapter of my life."

May 31, 2010
"All my siblings and their kids cam over [for the BBQ]. We had a lot of fun just being together. I am going to miss my family. The older we get, the more I think we are realizing how much we love and need each other. Today was fantastic. I treasure my time with them. After this week, it may be a very long time before I am with all of them together like this. it's one of the sacrifices of growing up I guess."

June 7, 2010
"But before I left, I took one last walk through the house. And as the time to leave approached, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I could barely breath. Very rarely in my life have I had moments where I couldn't control my tears in public. I don't get emotional in front of my family. I tried so hard to keep the tears in. Finally as I stood in the kitchen looking our the window (to hide my face), the tears began flowing down my cheeks. I walked into the living room. There was no way for me to hide my tears at that point. My dad asked me if I was scared. 'No,' I replied. 'I'm leaving. This is where I grew up. I'm really leaving this time.' . . ."

June 26, 2010
"Yesterday, I completed my first full week of work at my new job. So far I love it."

August 28, 2010
"What else? . . . Still searching for my Prince Charming..."

September 27, 2010
"There are things that could be better, but at the end of the day I can leave satisfied with what I've done."

September 29, 2010
" I leave on the cruise tomorrow! I am so excited. And after this crazy busy week, the timing couldn't be more perfect. I am ready for a nice short vacation."

October 23, 2010
"As much as I want to get my hopes up, I know that to protect myself, I can't."

October 14, 2010
"Dear Curtis,
You are a worthless piece of s#*t. You live in a world of dreams to avoid your pathetic reality. . . You are an afterthought with the few friends you have. And this is all your own doing. You are so damn quiet and weak. You will forever let people walk all over you because you have no strength. . . You have half-assed your way through your entire life. Stop playing the victim. It's obvious why you have been and always will be alone. . . When your life is over, nothing will change. The world will remain unaffected. You might as well have never existed. You disgust me and I hate you.
Sincerely,
yourself."

October 29, 2010
"There are moments in our lives when events force us to re-evaluate our situation and make a change. I can't claim that anything life-changing or threatening has happened to me the last two weeks. However, a series of small experiences and situations have caused me to do a lot of reflecting. Some has been negative, some positive. I have been pretty rough on myself. In reality, is everything bad in my life my fault? Probably not. Yet, I personally believe that this sudden urge of self-hatred has been oddly healthy for me. . . Perspective in life is key, but right now in my life I needed this negative self evaluation to give me a push I needed. Things don't go my way. That's life. But the Curtis that woke up today was ready to take a little more control. No more hiding in the back seat. I deserve a front seat and quite frankly should have been given a drivers seat by now. But life isn't fair. So I am now realizing I am going to have to fight for even a small taste of fairness. It's true that nice guys don't finish first. you have to be at least a little bit of a selfish bitch to get anything in life. SO the time has come for me to insert a little bit of selfish bitchiness into my life. I am done with always losing in my career, my love life, and my family. I deserve more then that and the only way to get what I deserve is to take it on my own. I will continue to treat people with kindness, but no longer do I believe in receiving that kindness back from the world. Just being a good person doesn't cut it anymore. I am going to start demanding attention from this world."

November 14, 2010
"Boys are stupid."

November 24, 2010
"My new attitude . . . really is changing the way the world treats me. There is no reason why I shouldn't be an active participant in life."

December 28, 2010
"And now, as with most mistakes in life, it's too late to fix it."

---------

And so here we are. The year is ending. It's been an incredible journey. I dare say it has been one of the top years of my life. Possibly THE top year of my life. I can't really complain about anything.

Thank you all for continuing to be a part of my life. Live each day in the coming year as if it is a gift, because it is.

Happy New Year everyone.

He had changed. I had changed.

2010-12-29T17:49:00.000-05:00

I have tried writing my thoughts over and over again. Each time I delete them. I just don't really know what I want to say. The thoughts of Micah's death are still haunting me.

He is gone.

I keep thinking back to our childhood. I used to know him. Why and when did that stop? Why did we go our separate ways? I don't have the answers. I don't remember. I just feel like I missed out on continuing a relationship with someone just because the world told me we were on separate paths.

Screw the world.

Micah was a good person. We were different people, but that should have never kept us apart. I remember the last time I saw Micah. It was at church. I believe it was the summer of 2007. I hadn't seen him in a few years, probably since high school. Through our teenage years, we didn't really talk. We knew of each other because of our past, but we had somehow become just acquaintances by the time we graduated. But the last time I saw him, things were different.

He had changed. I had changed.

We had a small chat that day. I wish I could remember what we talked about. I don't. I very much remember that being the highlight of my day though. On that day, he showed me genuine kindness and interest. Up to that point, I had been somewhat bitter toward my teenage years. People didn't talk to me and I had few friends. I didn't have high opinions of most people I grew up with.

Talking to Micah that day changed my mind. I grew up surrounded by good people. Kids are kids. We could go off for hours about why no one befriended me or why I didn't break out and befriend others. The finger pointing could go back and forth all day. The fact is we were all decent kids.

As adults, we could now look past our differences and talk to each other. He was such a nice person. He was so friendly. It was that moment that I saw a touch of our childhood days return. Back when we didn't care what the world or other friends thought. We were all just kids playing.

The differences never matter when you are a kid.

And on that last day I saw Micah, the differences didn't matter to him. He took the initiative and spoke to me. Something I never would have done. He was the better man. I admired that. I regret not reaching out after that day.

I went home and never saw him again.

But that meeting stayed with me. I always noticed Micah had a love of life. He was passionate about everything he did. I noticed this even when we were no longer friends and just kids that went to school together. I was a people watcher in High School. I remember watching Micah. He was one of those kids I wanted to be like. Someone who you knew had a lot of friends because he was a good friend in return. He was such a positive person.

It's a shame it took death to make me reflect on these things. I can't go back in time as much as I wish I could.

Oh how I wish I could right now.

But I have learned valuable lessons. The last few days, I have reflected on my own life. I want to be remembered in a positive light just as Micah has been. There are things I am already committed to changing. I like to believe I have grown into the person I always dreamed of being. And for the most part that is true, but along the way I have picked up a few characteristics I never wanted. It's time to make a serious change for the better.

I need to be a better person.

I have higher standards then what I have been living. This is not all talk. I have realized with the death of Micah just how short life really can be. We all hear that. But when someone your age that you grew up with dies out of nowhere, and so young, you really understand how fragile life is. It could have easily been me. I could die tomorrow. It is a real possibility. It's not good to live in fear of dying each day, but living a good life so that you are prepared to die at any time is the way I need to start living.

Living for a zest for life, just as Micah did.

Micah

2010-12-27T22:28:00.002-05:00

Every day people die.

We rarely feel any emotion when we see these stories on the news. Then someone you know becomes one of these news stories. Suddenly it is near impossible to avoid the overwhelming emotion.

So why don't we feel sorrow when a stranger dies? A connection is missing. There is no way to change it. No matter how hard I try to feel connected to a strangers death, the emotion is never quite the same. Why? Why did I cry today over the news of the death of an old acquaintance? We were never close friends. I hadn't even seen him in over 3 years. We went to each others birthday parties as kids. Went to the same church on Sunday's. We were in cub scouts together. We graduated from the same high school together. We had many classes together over the years. But aside from our childhood connections, we weren't ever close.

So why do I cry tonight? Because he was too young? Because of the tragic circumstances of how he died? Because I think of his family mourning? Because life is precious and taken for granted? All of those things are true. But those are things that go through my head when a stranger dies as well.

And yet this seems more painful. These tears are more real. There is a connection that words cannot express.

Life is full of meetings and farewells. We meet thousands of people in a lifetime. Most don't become close friends. Some we know our entire lives and never really know them. But there is somehow a connection made with each person our life crosses paths with. A connection that can't be explained.

I believe each person we meet along the way has a greater impact on our lives then we can ever know. Cherish each person you meet. In some way or another they are a part of your life. And their impact is unexplainably huge. Each of them.

There is a reason I am emotionally hurt over the news of Micah Huggard's death. He touched my life. He taught me valuable lessons that I have reflected on today and more that I am sure I don't even realize. I was blessed to have crossed paths with him in this life. Just as I am blessed with every person who enters my life.

You will be missed Micah. Thank you for your life.

The rents are in town.

2010-12-04T09:20:00.000-05:00

My parents are visiting this weekend. They will be here in a couple of hours. So it's to the theme parks I go the next two days. I guess that's a good thing. I haven't done the theme park scene in a few months. It'll be nice to be back out there as a guest again. And it's going to be good to see my parents. I haven't seen anyone in my family since I left Utah 6 months ago. Wow! Has it really been 6 months?! Time is just flying by.

The eggs in my forehead.

2010-12-03T21:52:00.001-05:00

I woke up today and looked in the mirror only to find something absolutely horrifying.

I have to report that I have been attacked by some sort of monster bug. I don't know when it came or what it looked like, but at some point through the night, it got me. My forehead has grown a large red lump with several little holes/bitemarks. It's freakishly large and a little frightening. The worst part is imagining whatever thing did this to me crawling all over my face while I sleep. GROSS.

I wonder if the monster laid eggs in my forehead. Maybe I will be giving birth to little monsters soon. I am getting the heeby jeebies just thinking of what this thing did to me.... blehhhh.

Unemotional

2010-11-30T21:12:00.000-05:00

Ever have those moments of unemotion? Those moments when so much should be running through your veins, yet you feel absolutely nothing.

Tonight I feel unemotion.

Perhaps I have tired my mind and body of emotion the last few weeks.

I don't think I like being unemotional, but I can't tell because I have no emotion. Chances are I will have too much emotion to even handle tomorrow. For now, I remain unemotional.

Making Thanksgiving Pie.

2010-11-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

So the end result didn't actually end up working. But it was a good experiment. And nothing started on fire so I put it down in my book as a success.

Thanksgiving.

2010-11-25T12:20:00.003-05:00

Thanks to friends, family, and God.

I love you all.

It's that simple.

Tangled

2010-11-24T17:45:00.000-05:00

Last night (er.. this morning) I went the the midnight showing of Disney's 50th Animated Feature Film, Tangled. If you know me, you know I am a Disney animation nut! I eat this stuff up like candy. The movie was absolutely incredible! Visually stunning and excellent story combined with fantastic music make this film an instant Disney classic. I really hope this movie does well at the box office. Disney Animation desperately needs a big hit right now. And I truly believe they are back to making good, solid, timeless films again. I just wish people would go see them. So your duty is to go see this movie! I will forgive all of you who didn't give Princess and the Frog a chance (you are dumb, but forgiven), but you need to support good film and Tangled is a fantastic movie. Anyway, that's my little rant about that. Go see this movie!

MISSING: Cinderella

2010-11-22T12:39:00.000-05:00

Please come back with my glass slipper. I don't want to give away a new one. Not this time.

The night before the beginning.

2010-11-21T22:57:00.000-05:00

The worst part about Sunday nights?

Knowing the train called Monday is undoubtedly going to strike me unprepared in the morning.

What's in a name?

2010-11-20T15:58:00.000-05:00

Curtis

Curly

Lance

Grundle Bear

Fatty

Curtie

Collin

Chris

the Mormon

Curt

Homo

Brad

Cutie

Loser

Charles

Clinton

Best Friend

Sexy

Curtalingous

Sitruc

Curt-i

Chuck

Fag

Tiger Lily

Charlie

Disney

Chewbacca

Curtle

Terrified.

2010-11-19T19:01:00.000-05:00

Why is it that we spend our entire life building a world we wished we lived in and then when even just the slightest piece of that world starts becoming reality, we get scared and run from it? We are actually terrified of the worlds that we dream of. I wish I knew why.

So this is the night.

2010-11-18T23:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am craving a night out under the stars. Oh how I miss camping in the summer time back home. Palm trees and beaches just aren't the same thing.

What's Wrong?

2010-11-17T14:31:00.000-05:00

So I am usually pretty good at hiding my emotions. I have perfected the art actually. But for some reason, yesterday I just wasn't doing it well. Multiple people at work and when I got home pointed out that I was acting different.

The truth is I just wasn't feelin it yesterday. I was depressed for a number of reasons (mostly one) but I just wasn't in the mood for being the happy and fun Curtis I apparently normally am. There were no laffy taffy jokes in the office. No marshmallows being thrown over the cubical walls. Not nearly enough giggling. It was an off day.

But the fact that people noticed really threw me for a loop. It showed to me how much me being Curtis actually affects people's day. When I am not my happy self, people miss it. People like Curtis. I contribute to this world. I make a difference just by being myself. And THAT is how I quickly made it through this depression.

One or two people may not see how special I am, but screw them! I am a good person and there are people in this world who depend on me to show up and be the amazing person I am. If you can't see that, then it's your loss. Because quite frankly, the world would suck without me.

This ocean is big and you can go swim somewhere else, cause the rest of these fish love me. :)

Missing 18-24

2010-11-15T17:55:00.000-05:00

I hate that I am now lumped into the 25-30something age group when taking surveys. Rub it in cruel world. Just rub it in.

Love?

2010-11-14T17:07:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my life, I am contemplating and seriously considering the idea that love literally does not exist.

New goals.

2010-07-14T19:27:00.000-04:00

Fun Game: Count the Um's.

2010-07-11T13:41:00.000-04:00

Celebrate 5 Years of Making the Magic!

2010-02-05T00:11:00.000-05:00

The day was February 1, 2005. I had moved into my new apartment less then 24 hours earlier. This was my first time living away from home. I wasn't necessarily scared, but I had no idea what the road ahead would bring. I had been anticipating this for months. I knew awesome adventures lay ahead, but didn't know exactly what those adventures would be or how they would come to pass. I had dreamed about this since I was little. I don't even remember a day when I didn't desire to work for Disney. It had always been my dream. And that dream was about to come true.

I sat for hours and signed stacks of papers. On that day, I was overwhelmed with my new world. I was now an official Disney cast member. I remember first receiving my name tag in Traditions (orientation). There it was. Walt Disney World Resort. Curtis. Utah Valley State College. Words can't describe what a privilege it was to put that name tag on. The next 7 months would take me on a journey I could have never expected or dreamed of.

To say every moment was perfect would be a total lie. I worked at Tusker House Restaurant at Disney's Animal Kingdom Theme Park. I loved the friends I made there. They would become the best friends I had ever had in my life up to that point. Without those relationships, I don't know if I would have survived my first Disney College Program. It was hard at times. In May, a lot of friends left for home, while a few of us were scheduled to stay for 3 more months. It was hard to watch everyone get ready to go home. I wanted to go home. I was jealous. I didn't see the big picture. Because looking back, by May my journey was just beginning.

The summer was hot and I worked an average of 60 hours a week. I had proven myself to my managers and coworkers. I was made a trainer and essentially was put in charge of my own little cart. I was trusted. It was nice, but the work was tiring and could get monotonous. I remember a day in July when things were really rough. I felt like I was working extremely hard for little recognition. I was ready to quit. I didn't know why I was there anymore. I had made up my mind that I would finish my program and never return to work for this company again. On this particular day, I was working at the fruit market. I was technically the stocker, but would help out whenever I could or didn't have anything to stock. I was making frozen lemonades for guests. Now, when I make a frozen lemonade, I don't just make a frozen lemonade. A frozen lemonade from Curtis always came shaped with a hidden mickey (a trick that many have tried and all have failed).

I had overheard that it was someone in the long lines birthday. So I made her the best frozen lemonade mickey I could. By the time it was ready, she had left. So I gave the treat to her husband free of charge and told him to tell his wife I wished her a happy birthday. The man was shocked that I knew it was her birthday and thanked me. I thought nothing of it. A couple of hours later, a woman came up to me to thank me for her birthday present. I was a little confused at first because I had forgotten about earlier. She said I made her entire day with that surprise frozen lemonade. In that moment I realized why I was working at Disney.

These moments happened on a daily basis, but I had been ignoring them. I had become so used to the routine that I forgot what was actually happening at Disney World. As a cast member, I was making magic and adding that little extra touch. I could make a guests entire vacation worth it. Making other people happy was what this job was all about! My attitude completely changed after that day. I was back to the super cheesy and happy Curtis I had been when I started in February. I finished my College Program on August 19, 2005. I cried when I realized I was leaving this dream.

I knew adjusting to normal life would be hard. I underestimated HOW hard it would be. I came home and returned to school within just a couple of days. The adjustment was horrible. Everyday was a struggle. It was like taking an addict off of his drugs. I couldn't handle it. Within just a month or two, I was already planning a reunion trip back to Disney World.

I survived the year and went back for a three week reunion in May of 2006. Me and a couple of friends had remained cast members with a seasonal status. So we returned to Tusker House once more. This little dose of Disney was just what I needed in my life at that time. I was reminded of how much I loved working there and this is when I officially decided I would work for Disney forever, even if it was just as seasonal for two weeks a year.

I came back home again, transferred schools, moved out, and changed my major (a decision I had made during and because of my 2005 experience at Disney). In the spring of 2007, I learned that I would not be able to take the classes I needed in the fall. It's a long complicated explanation, but basically, classes were not going to be offered that I needed to move along in my major. So I was forced to take a semester off. I could have stayed in Utah with a job that would have payed me a lot. I chose to follow my emotions and return to Disney instead.

My second College Program began on August 22, 2007. I arrived a few days early to make one last visit to the place that started it all. Tusker House Restaurant was closing to be renovated into a sit down restaurant. I had made a ton of memories at that place. It was sad to me that it was closing. It was like splitting up a family. Because at Tuskers, we were a family. Everyone there was transferred to different areas throughout the Disney World Resort. Me and my friend went to eat one last Chicken Sandwich on the last day Tusker House was open. It was August 19, 2007. Exactly two years to the day my first College Program had ended.

The next week I was reporting to my new role in Custodial at Animal Kingdom. To be honest, I was not happy that I had been given the custodial position. I felt that as an alumni, I should have been given a more desired position. Who wanted to be custodial? Wasn't that even WORSE then food service? I spent my first two weeks trying desperately to get transferred. Eventually I had to realize it wasn't going to happen. It was fate that I was to have this role.

Once I accepted that, things improved. I had been miserable and quite frankly embarrassed in the custodial position those first two weeks. I was stuck though and didn't want the entire experience to be ruined. I had four more months of this and there was no point in not enjoying my job. I began looking for ways to make my day at work enjoyable. It was a lot easier then I thought it would be.

To this day, I still tell people that working as a custodial cast member at Disney is the best job I have EVER had. My job was essentially guest interaction. I had the freedom to roam my area and talk to guest from around the world.

I was a part of so many memorable magical experiences during these 4 months. I am not ashamed to admit that I was touched to the point of tears MULTIPLE times at that job. I learned to love people. All people. Everyone has a story. Everyone. And I LOVED hearing all of those stories.

Along with the work aspect of that fall, the social aspect also impacted my life in ways I still can't even fully describe. I went into my second college program thinking I had a pretty good idea of how everything would go. I had done this before. I knew what it was all about. I expected to enjoy it, but my first program had changed my life. There was no way that could happen again. Well it did. I met so many amazing friends in the fall of 2007. I made lifelong friendships. I was able to open up to people in a way I never had before in my life. The real Curtis came out 100%. It was invigorating. I was now the person I had always been too afraid to be before.

People often ask me if I liked one college program more then the other. My answer is no. I can't even compare them. Each of them impacted my life equally, but in different ways. They were two completely different experiences. And I wouldn't trade either of them for the world. The three day drive home in January of 2008 was full of emotion. I had never been that sad to leave friends in my life. The first day, I cried the entire drive nonstop. The only other day in my life I have cried that much was when my grandma died. It was deeply sad to leave my friends.

I had decided during those few months in Disney I would have a career there. Being seasonal forever was fine, but not good enough. I was given the amazing opportunity to meet with Disney Graphic Designers on multiple occasions during my college program. Each of them LOVED their job. I wanted to be them. I was more determined then ever to make it happen. So while it was hard to leave, I knew this was not the end of my Disney journey. In fact it was just a few months later that I returned to Disney.

I was to spend my summer of 2008 working seasonal in custodial at Animal Kingdom. However, just days before arriving in Orlando, I learned that there had been a computer error and I had been deleted from the Disney system. I was no longer in their system as a Disney cast member. I was not happy. I spent my 23rd birthday at the Disney Casting building getting my job back. It took 8 hours, but I was again a Disney cast member on May 9, 2008. I was a little disappointed to find that I wouldn't be able to get my custodial position back due to other various issues in the system. I was however able to chose my new role from dozens of choices available. The guy who "interviewed" me was AWESOME. I owe him.

I began my new role in Merchandise at Hollywood Hills in Disney's Hollywood Studios the next week. The summer of 2008 was full of lots of ups and downs (mostly downs), but I LOVED my job again. I was given the opportunity to work as a vendor at the firework/stage show, Fantasmic. I also worked at the gift shops in Rock'n Roller Coaster and Tower of Terror. But, by far, my favorite was working at Fantasmic. I was also able to pick up dozens of shifts at other areas around Disney that summer. Including a few shifts in custodial at Animal Kingdom.

I learned that summer, that happiness is all about my own attitude. Things weren't going well at all. It was halfway through the summer that I accepted my mistakes and the fact that I couldn't change them. I was in Florida and there was no getting out of it. I had made that choice and good or bad, I had to accept the consequences. Once again, I changed my outlook and just began enjoying the little moments. There is no point in focusing on the stresses and negative aspects of life. They are going to happen and having a bad attitude will just make them even worse to get through. I left that summer with even more lifelong friends and an even better understanding of the person I am.

When I came back to school that fall, I was finally made a campus rep at Utah State University. Along with school and my job, I was now also recruiting for the Disney College Program. Managing my time was difficult. Especially when the next semester I was made President of our Campus Rep Team. As crazy as life was, I enjoyed getting to tell other students about my experiences at Disney. Nothing makes me more happy then talking about all the great times I had there.

I returned to Disney to work seasonal again in the summer of 2009. I was there for about 3 weeks this time and then I had to leave for a internship I had in Michigan. While my time was short there, I got to see a lot of old friends and even managed to make a few new ones!

I returned to school and have continued my position as President of USU's Campus Rep Team. We have a ton of fun doing this. I never thought I would be a good leader. I have never been leader material. This job has surprised me beyond imagination. The things I have managed to do are unbelievable to me. How the heck am I leading one of the best and most successful Disney CP recruiting teams in the nation?! I didn't think I could do it and was overwhelmed at first. But I have a great team, and we have managed to do some amazing work. I can honestly say I am proud of myself and each of them for what we have accomplished in the last couple of years. I am going to be sad when it's all over.

Next week I apply for a few Professional Internships with Disney. If I get one, I will be doing Graphic Design at Disney. That is my ultimate dream right now and literally everything I have done in the last two years has been with this goal in mind. I am determined to spend many more years with this company.

The past 5 years have been fantastic, but they are only the prelude to my grand adventure with Disney. The concept of making magic is something I have learned to apply to every aspect of my life. Whether it's at Disney or school or home or my other jobs, I have learned that making magic is the easiest way to make myself happy. The chance to make someone else's day special is why I wake up each morning.

If you were too overwhelmed to read all of that, just watch these videos and you will get the general point. haha.

My Design Blog

2010-01-26T13:55:00.000-05:00

Hey guys!

If you aren't already following my design blog, I really think you should. Just check it out. I update it a lot more then I update this blog. And this way you can kind of get a taste of what it is I do every day. I love it! It's my passion. So check it out.

Curtis Design

Thanks.

I can. I will. I am.

2010-01-19T01:49:00.000-05:00

Most of my entries in this blog are pretty pointless. Very few times do I say anything deep or of value. Tonight, I went back and read my original post from over a year ago. I realized while reading that post, that I really wish I would do more entries with feeling like that. Not that I want to go EMO on everyone. I just enjoy writing my emotions from time to time. And I don't do it enough. It's a nice release.

With that said, I will try to make this post tonight a little more deep. However, I do not make any promises. I just type what comes to my head. Sometimes that leads into pointless conversations with myself.

I am a dreamer. Any of my friends or family members will tell you that. I am a sucker for a good inspirational story. To me, fairy-tales are reality. My honest belief is that ANYTHING is possible. I mean that with all of my heart. Most people don't believe that. The lack of belief is the reason the impossible doesn't get accomplished.

I have lived an ordinary life. I haven't changed the world. This used to depress me because I have countless dreams and aspirations for my life. I want to make a difference in the world. I really do. I have realized though that I am only 24. And while I feel old, I have a lot of life ahead of me. There is no set map for people of great influence to follow. During the past several months, I have been enjoying reading books about influential and inspiring people. People that make a difference in their community and the world. I have noticed a few common trends among each of these stories. That trend is that each person's life was different. Each had different challenges and struggles to overcome. There is no set timeline for creating real change. I am not a failure just because I am 24 and haven't accomplished all my goals. Many people have done far more for the world by the time they were my age then I have. That in no way means I will not still change the world.

In all the books and stories I have read this year, the "heros" each had dreams. And through any trial, they NEVER gave up that dream. I believe any person has the ability and chance to change the world. The problem is that we give up on our dreams way too easily. We settle for mediocrity and leave our dreams in our childhood. The ones who make a difference are the ones who fight through life without ever settling.

I have chosen to be one of these people.

Some may think my attitude is arrogant. How dare I say that I will change the world! All I can say is that I will change to world because I dare to.

I expect many trials on the way to making my dreams come true. Things will not be handed to me on a silver platter. Life doesn't work that way. Much of my life may be a struggle. I may never see the fruits of my labors in my lifetime. This will not stop me.

I once wrote a list of things I will accomplish before I die. While I wont share that list with you now, I will tell you that when I wrote that list I didn't believe all of those items would come true. I was in my early teens and just needed something to hope for at that point in my life. I look at that list now and already things I thought impossible have happened. It's miraculous to me. I can honestly say I have become the person I dreamed of being when I was younger. But it's not over yet.

My list is not all crossed off quite yet. And as I grow, so does the list. I have a lot of dreams to make come true. I have a lot of things to leave for this world.

I can.

I will.

I am.

- Curtis

My Top 250 Songs of the 00's!

2009-12-30T13:23:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am obsessed with music. I own over 350 physical (legal) CD's. My iTunes library consists of about 5500 legally paid for songs. I bought my first album in December of 1999. So the majority of my music obsession has taken place during the 2000 decade. I have compiled a list of MY top 250 songs of the last decade. I started creating this list in September. It has taken a lot of time to get it just right. I individually filtered through each of the over 4,000 songs I own from the decade. Somehow I managed to cut it down to 250 songs. Each song was given a rank based on a number of factors including radio play, nostalgia, personal play counts, and of course my personal opinion. So here it is. Enjoy!

250. Waiting On The World To Change. John Mayer

249. What Would You Do. City High

248. Shake It Off. Mariah Carey

247. Try Again. Aaliyah

246. Can't Get You Out Of My Head. Kylie Minogue

245. One More Time. Daft Punk

244. Paralyzer. Finger Eleven

243. Hollywood's Not America. Ferras

242. Stutter. Joe

241. Happy. Natasha Bedingfield

240. Don't Let Me Get Me. Pink

239. 1985. Bowling for Soup

238. I Will Follow You Into The Dark. Death Cab For Cutie

237. Burnin' Up. Jonas Brothers

236. Crazy In Love. Beyoncé Feat. Jay-Z

235. Come Back To Me. David Cook

234. Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You). Christina Aguilera

233. Thong Song. Sisqo

232. These Words (I Love You, I Love You). Natasha Bedingfield

231. Burn. Usher

230. Dance With Me. Debelah Morgan

229. All The Small Things. Blink 182

228. Can't Hold Us Down. Christina Aguilera Feat. Lil' Kim

227. Baby I'm Back. Baby Bash

226. Beverly Hills. Weezer

225. Already Gone. Kelly Clarkson

224. Butterfly. Crazy Town

223. Faded. SoulDecision

222. Bootylicious. Destiny's Child

221. Party Like a Rock Star. Shop Boyz

220. S.O.S. Rihanna

219 True. Ryan Cabrera

218. If You're Not The One. Daniel Bedingfield

217. Here Without You. 3 Doors Down

216. Love Don't Cost A Thing. Jennifer Lopez

215. Behind These Hazel Eyes. Kelly Clarkson

214. When It's Over. Sugar Ray

213. Lucky. Britney Spears

212. Ordinary Day. Vanessa Carlton

211. Soldier. Destiny's Child Feat. T.I. & Lil' Wayne

210. Like I Love You. Justin Timberlake

209. Heaven. Los Lonely Boys

208. Halo. Beyoncé

207. You're a God. Vertical Horizon

206. If You're Gone. Matchbox Twenty

205. Right Round. Flo Rida

204. The Time of My Life. David Cook

203. Leave (Get Out). JoJo

202. Unfaithful. Rihanna

201. Don't Trust Me. 3OH!3

200. Stay With You. Goo Goo Dolls

199. Blame It (feat. T-Pain). Jamie Foxx

198. Courage Is... The Strange Familiar

197. Shout to the Lord. American Idol Season 7 Finalists

196. Into The Ocean. Blue October

195. Life Is a Highway. Rascal Flatts

194. The Lucky One. Faith Hill

193. Live Your Life. T.I. Feat. Rihanna

192. Can't Fight The Moonlight. LeAnn Rimes

191. He Loves You Not. dream

190. Light The Fire Within. LeAnn Rimes

189. Soul Meets Body. Death Cab For Cutie

188. You And Me. Lifehouse

187. Gives You Hell. The All-American Rejects

186. Knock You Down. Keri Hilson, Kanye West & Ne-Yo

185. Harder To Breathe. Maroon 5

184. Swear It Again. Westlife

183. Big Yellow Taxi. Counting Crows

182. Blowin' Me Up (With Her Love). JC Chasez

181. I Try. Macy Gray

180. Time Won't Let Me Go. The Bravery

179. Heaven (Yanou's Candlelight Mix). DJ Sammy & Yanou

178. Who Knew. Pink

177. Lonely No More. Rob Thomas

176. Meant To Live. Switchfoot

175. Where Are You Going. Dave Matthews

174. Your Body Is A Wonderland. John Mayer

173. Give It To Me (Featuring Justin Timbelake & Nelly Furtado). Timbaland

172. Mercy. Duffy

171. Poker Face. Lady GaGa

170. Collide. Howie Day

169. Thank You. Dido

168. Love Story. Taylor Swift

167. I Wanna Know. Joe

166. Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous. Good Charlotte

165. Gotta Tell You. Samantha Mumba

164. Starry Eyed Surprise (ft. Shifty Shellshock). Paul Oakenfold

163. Hear You Me. Jimmy Eat World

162. Until Yesterday. JC Chasez

161. All For You. Janet Jackson

160. Party In The U.S.A. Miley Cyrus

159. Beautiful Soul. Jesse McCartney

158. Never Had a Dream Come True. S Club 7

157. What A Girl Wants. Christina Aguilera

156. Break Anotha. Blake Lewis

155. Celebrate You. Corbin Bleu

154. Dilemma. Nelly Feat. Kelly Rowland

153. Battlefield. Jordin Sparks

152. When You Look Me In the Eyes. Jonas Brothers

151. Let's Dance to Joy Division. The Wombats

150. Never Again. Kelly Clarkson

149. Heartless. Kanye West

148. Hanging By A Moment. Lifehouse

147. American Boy (feat. Kanye West). Estelle

146. Get The Party Started. Pink

145. Circus. Britney Spears

144. Bring It All To Me. Blaque & *NSYNC

143. Ocean Avenue. Yellowcard

142. Dead And Gone. T.I. Feat. Justin Timberlake

141. Over You. Daughtry

140. Don't Forget To Remember Me. Carrie Underwood

139. I Don't Want To Be. Gavin DeGraw

138. Pieces Of Me. Ashlee Simpson

137. Independent Women, Pt. 1. Destiny's Child

136. Shut Up And Drive. Rihanna

135. Everytime. Britney Spears

134. Obsession (No Es Amor). Frankie J Feat. Baby Bash

133. Boom Boom Pow. Black Eyed Peas

132. Red High Heels. Kellie Pickler

131. Gotta Get Thru This. Daniel Bedingfield

130. The Middle. Jimmy Eat World

129. A Thousand Miles. Vanessa Carlton

128. Shape Of My Heart. Backstreet Boys

127. Crazy For This Girl. Evan & Jaron

126. Miss Independent. Kelly Clarkson

125. Unwell. Matchbox Twenty

124. Gimme More. Britney Spears

123. Just A Dream. Carrie Underwood

122. Dance, Dance. Fall Out Boy

121. Human. The Killers

120. Proud. Heather Small

119. Gone. *NSYNC

118. Womanizer. Britney Spears

117. Won't Go Home Without You. Maroon 5

116. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs. Fall Out Boy

115. Rockstar. Nickelback

114. Promiscuous. Nelly Furtado Feat. Timbaland

113. Here (In Your Arms). Hellogoodbye

112. Back At One. Brian McKnight

111. Makes Me Wonder. Maroon 5

110. Buttons. Pussycat Dolls Feat. Snoop Dogg

109. Amazed. Lonestar

108. Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal). Fergie

107. Girlfriend. Avril Lavigne

106. All Or Nothing. O-Town

105. Way I Are (Featuring Keri Hilson & D.O.E.). Timbaland

104. Anyway. Martina McBride

103. Rock Your Body. Justin Timberlake

102. Pocketful of Sunshine. Natasha Bedingfield

101. What's Going On? Artists against AIDS Worldwide

100. The Climb. Miley Cyrus

99. This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race. Fall Out Boy

98. No Air. Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown

97. Calling All Angels. Train

96. You Found Me. The Fray

95. Jumpin', Jumpin'. Destiny's Child

94. Here's To The Night. Eve 6

93. On The Way. Down Ryan Cabrera

92. Back Here. BBMak

91. All Summer Long. Kid Rock

90. Hurt. Christina Aguilera

89. Stronger. Kanye West

88. Leavin'. Jesse McCartney

87. A New Day Has Come. Celine Dion

86. Survivor. Destiny's Child

85. Angel. Shaggy

84. Blue (Da Ba Dee). Eiffel 65

83. Mr. Brightside. The Killers

82. Take a Bow. Rihanna

81. When I Grow Up. The Pussycat Dolls

80. Last Name. Carrie Underwood

79. The Remedy (I Won't Worry). Jason Mraz

78. LoveStoned. Justin Timberlake

77. Graduation (Friends Forever). Vitamin C

76. I Kissed a Girl. Katy Perry

75. See You Again. Miley Cyrus

74. 4 Minutes (feat. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland). Madonna

73. Smooth. Carlos Santana

72. Because Of You. Kelly Clarkson

71. Fallin'. Alicia Keys

70. Unwritten. Natasha Bedingfield

69. The Reason. Hoobastank

68. Irreplaceable. Beyoncé

67. Low (feat. T-Pain). Flo Rida

66. Just Dance. Lady GaGa & Colby O'Donis

65. Let's Get It Started. Black Eyed Peas

64. What Time Is It. High School Musical 2 Cast

63. Wait For You. Elliott Yamin

62. U + Ur Hand. Pink

61. Viva la Vida. Coldplay

60. Summer Love. Justin Timberlake

59. Dirrty. Christina Aguilera Feat. Redman

58. No One. Alicia Keys

57. Over My Head (Cable Car). The Fray

56. I'm Yours. Jason Mraz

55. Don't Cha (feat. Busta Rhymes). Pussycat Dolls

54. We Belong Together. Mariah Carey

53. Jesus, Take The Wheel. Carrie Underwood

52. Hot In Herre. Nelly

51. This Love. Maroon 5

50. Hey Ya. Outkast

49. Best Days. Graham Colton

48. Toxic. Britney Spears

47. Disturbia. Rihanna

46. She Will Be Loved. Maroon 5

45. Say My Name. Destiny's Child

44. What Goes Around.../...Comes Around. Justin Timberlake

43. With You. Chris Brown

42. Drops Of Jupiter. Train

41. No Such Thing. John Mayer

40. Breakaway. Kelly Clarkson

39. This I Promise You. *NSYNC

38. The Sweet Escape (Featuring Akon). Gwen Stefani

37. Flying. James Newton Howard

36. So What. Pink

35. We're All In This Together. High School Musical Cast

34. Hero. Enrique Iglesias

33. Forever. Chris Brown

32. My Life Would Suck Without You. Kelly Clarkson

31. Umbrella. Rihanna Feat. Jay-Z

30. Hollaback Girl. Gwen Stefani

29. Lady Marmalade. Christina Aguilera, Lil Kim, Pink, Mya, & Missy Elliot

28. Before He Cheats. Carrie Underwood

27. Everything You Want. Vertical Horizon

26. Home. Daughtry

25. Breathe. Faith Hill

24. That's The Way It Is. Celine Dion

23. Remember When. LeAnn Rimes

22. A Moment Like This. Kelly Clarkson

21. Don't Stop The Music. Rihanna

20. Cry Me A River. Justin Timberlake

19. Girlfriend. *NSYNC & Nelly

18. Beautifu.l Christina Aguilera

17. I Knew I Loved You. Savage Garden

16. You Ruined Me. JC Chasez

15. It's Not Over. Daughtry

14. Apologize (Featuring One Republic). Timbaland

13. It's Gonna Be Me. *NSYNC

12. Boulevard Of Broken Dreams Green Day

11. Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It). Beyoncé

10. Yeah! Usher Feat. Lil' Jon & Ludacris

9. Oops!...I Did It Again. Britney Spears

8. Wishes. Peabo Bryson & Kimberley Locke with Jim Brickman

7. Pop. *NSYNC

6. I Gotta Feeling. Black Eyed Peas

5. Bad Day. Daniel Powter

4. Bleeding Love. Leona Lewis

3. Where Is The Love? Black Eyed Peas & Justin Timberlake

2. Since U Been Gone. Kelly Clarkson

1. Bye Bye Bye. *NSYNC

the losers.

2009-11-12T17:38:00.000-05:00

I am currently sitting in my Computers and Art class. I am one of the teachers and am bored out of my mind. Today is a lab day, so my students just work on their assignments in the computer lab and I walk around and help them when they need it. In other words, I refresh my facebook page so many times it makes my fingers hurt. This leaves me valuable time to write in my ever-so-precious blog.

This morning I caught up on last night's Glee via Hulu. I never cease to be impressed by this show. It can be so outrageous and cheesy. So repetitive and karaoke. Yet, I can't get enough! I LOVE it. And I am not ashamed to admit this super cheesy comedy TV show has brought a tear to my eye FOUR times now. This new episode was about people with special needs or disabilities. To watch Sue go visit her sister with special needs and read to her just really got me. And then AGAIN when Kurt talks to his dad about the gay issue, I lost it.

Why does this silly show do this to me? Maybe because this show is sorta all about the losers. The people who aren't accepted by their peers. I relate to these people on SO many levels. My high school days were spent more or less all by myself. I didn't have friends. I was an outcast. Obviously, things are different now, but every time I look back, I can't help but feel a part of the hurt I used to feel each and every single day. I used to cry myself to sleep nearly every single night. This is not an exaggeration. I was so alone.

I don't blame anyone. I used to blame everyone else. Then I blamed myself for a long time. But I have realized blaming is useless. It doesn't matter why it happened, but it happened. I owe a large part of who I am today to those lonely years. As horrible as they were at the time, I learned some valuable lessons and built a valuable aspect of my character. The entire situation made me more aware of people. I can't help but feel hurt when I see someone alone. I see people getting picked on and it hurts me on a personal level. I can put myself in that situation because I spent my ENTIRE childhood in those situations. Being alone all those years made me a much more understanding and compassionate person.

With that said, it kills me to watch it happen to others. There must be a better way to learn compassion then by being secluded, made fun of, picked on, and drowning in tears each night. I can't stand to watch people going through what I went through. No one deserves that. Everyone needs a friend. Everyone.

Happy Birthday Sesame Street

2009-11-10T20:12:00.000-05:00

Sesame Street turned 40 years old today. So to celebrate, I collected some videos to remind us all of our younger days.

And my favorite: "This is kinda kinky, Earnie"

A Christmas Carol! Too soon?

2009-11-10T00:08:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I went home to American Fork (for less then a day), but was able to see some of my family. Me, my parents, and Russell and Amber all went to see Disney's A Christmas Carol. It was actually an extremely well done movie. I recommend it. However, I am not quite sure if I am ready for the Christmas season yet. I loved the movie, but didn't really feel the Christmas spirit. Give me a few weeks. This is odd coming from the guy who used to start blasting his Christmas albums in early October! I don't know what's happened to me. I guess I am getting old. I blame everything on getting old now.

The rest of my weekend was awesome too. I had orientation at Best Buy on Friday. Looking forward to having a paying job again. I thought about it and I haven't received a paycheck since June. Since then, all of my jobs have been for free. It's no wonder I am out of money. Hopefully it all pays off in the long run.

Not much else new to report. I have noticed a lot of my friends in the last week have been having relationship problems. It must be the newest illness going around. Forget swine flu, the anti-love bug is in town. While I have no relationship to be crushed in the first place, it's been hard to watch good people split. It's sad.

But that's it for now. We are getting close to the end of the semester. I can't wait! One step closer to the end.

Over 6 hours in the UR Lab. . . losing my mind.

2009-11-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't been very good at keeping up with this blog thing. I am working on an animation project on campus, and after 6 hours of sitting in front of this computer, I think it's tie to take a break. But first, I will update you all on my life really quickly.

I have been loving this semester of school. I have had so much more free time this year. I needed this relaxing semester after last year. I didn't sleep much at all last year, as many of you may remember. Working 2 jobs and 18 credits at school nearly killed me.

This year has been a huge contrast to that. I have cut back to just 12 credits and cut my jobs back to just one (Disney Campus Rep President). Sure, I am living on loan money, but it's been worth it. I normally wouldn't say that, but if I would have gone through another semester like last year, I don't think I would have physically been able to handle it.

So what am I doing? I have been working on my portfolio. I have been doing the Disney recruiting completely stress free this time. But, most importantly, I am having fun. I love my roommates this year. I am living in a house now. The 5 guys I live with are awesome. We have a ton of fun in our house. I honestly love it. It's possibly the best group of roommates I have ever had. And that's saying a lot, because I have had a couple pretty good groups.

My addiction to eating out (thanks Traverse City, MI) has forced me to get a job for the holidays. My loan money is almost gone. Whoops. So I start my job at Best Buy tomorrow. It's just seasonal for now and I don't think it will be bad at all. I look forward to a little spending money and hopefully some new friendships.

I just won a be with two of my roommates last night. We had almost gone 2 weeks without shaving. The first person to shave had to buy the others an item from the dollar menu at McDonalds. I totally won! And it felt sooooo good this morning to finally shave the scruff off. It was getting a little out of control.

It's getting cold. The last few days, the temperature has been up in the 4o's and it has felt like summer to me. That's how cold it has been! When the 40's feel warm, you have a problem. This will be my last winter in Logan though. I am thinking I might try snowboarding this year. I have never tried skiing or snowboarding and I might regret that in the future.

Speaking of cold, I am going to have to walk home in it now. Guess I better leave soon.

It was fun to update you all on my eventful life. I probably missed a lot because I am just rambling, but deal with it.

Until next time,

Adios.

Curtis

Curtis and POD-E (2004-2009)

2009-09-15T00:19:00.000-04:00

I just wrote a long entry about love and life, then selected it all and deleted it. Instead, I will go for a lighter subject today.

I walked to class in beautiful 80 degree weather this morning. There was a little breeze, but overall a very nice day. So naturally, I was wearing shorts and flip flops. My class was a little over 3 hours. In those 3 hours, the weather had decided to change it's mind. I walked home in rain and freezing wind. I was soaked by the time I arrived back home, but this did not ruin my mood.

Why, you ask?

Well, let me tell you what was waiting for me at home!

My brand new iPod Touch!

I have been determined for two years that my old iPod needed to be replaced. But, financially it was a stupid idea to replace a semi-working iPod at the time. I told myself I could last two years. In 2009, when Apple releases the new iPods, I will allow myself to buy one. So I waited.

The day the new iPods were released this year, I placed my order.

My old iPod and I had some great times together. I called my old iPod POD-E (poddie). He was very good to me. POD-E and I were brought together 5 years ago. Back then, I was one of the very few people to own an iPod. People were jealous of POD-E. I would ride the bus home from work at Animal Kingdom and everyone would want to borrow POD-E. Especially the Asians. I was the cool kid as long as POD-E was with me.

POD-E quickly became not-so-cool. Within a year, everyone seemed to have an iPod. And their iPods were in color and could play video! However, I was faithful to POD-E and his old-school back and white screen. I didn't need pictures or video. All I needed was the music. So POD-E was a little chunkier then all the new iPods in town, but it didn't matter. I loved him the same.

At about the 3 year mark, POD-E reached maximum capacity. 20 GB of music! But I didn't give up. We dealt through our struggle. Whenever new music was bought, some old stuff had to be taken off POD-E. It wasn't easy, but we managed. By year 4, POD-E was showing serious signs of aging. Powering off at random moments. Skipping songs for no reason. Scroll wheel locking. Menu button malfunctions. The list goes on. POD-E was finally getting old and I had to realize that. It has been a rough road for us. I can't say I have always been the most gentle friend to POD-E. It is a definite love-hate relationship. But we have been there.

POD-E has traveled with me across the country. He has been with me through the worst of times and the best of times. Despite all the issues, POD-E always was there to lift my spirits with some good music.

The time has simply come for us to end our nonstop love affair. I will always have a deep love for POD-E. I will still visit him from time to time. This isn't a final farewell, but it is the end of a chapter.

POD-E, I will never forget the moments we shared. Thank you for every step.

Growing Up? . . . Nope. Never.

2009-07-09T11:45:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday! That means we have made it passed the half way mark! This week is actually going by pretty quickly. I can't wait for it to be over though. The National Cherry Festival is in town this week and I am tired of the groups of teenagers hanging out on every corner downtown. I will miss the corn dogs and elephant ears though.

There isn't much new to report. I am getting settled in here. I am staying at The Whiting. I definitely recommend it. Very classy! No shower, holes in the wall covered up by vents, smelly bed sheets, windows that wont close, TV cable that has to be adjusted every two minutes, midget sized bed, creaky floors, strange neighbors, and so much more!

Work is going well though. I am enjoying it a lot. I love that I actually have a job where I am designing, not dishing ice cream or selling glow toys. I have a desk in the corner with my computer all set up. It's very legit. I almost feel like an adult. (Just without the paycheck).

This has been a crazy summer. I have been all over the map, but I am LOVING every minute!

Summer of Travels!!!!

2009-06-30T15:42:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, so I figured you guys deserve an update on what's going on in my life right now.

After living out of my car for a month in Logan, I quit Aggie Ice Cream (forever this time) and took a quick trip to California with some friends. We stopped in Vegas for a night. It was really fun. Disneyland was awesome! Of course. I hadn't been there in 3 years, so it was good to go back. Disney World is still bigger and better, but the original will always be Disneyland.

After that trip, I left Utah again and drove out to Florida. On the way, I was able to stop in Iowa and visit with my friend Michael. I spent a day in Louisville, KY with Mattie. It was so good to see old friends.

The best surprise of the summer was waiting for me when I arrived in Orlando. The Scottish Twins, Steph and Kimbers, were there!!!! They planned a vacation to Florida and kept it secret from me. It was SO good to see them. We had a lot of fun while they were in town. We went to Miami for a couple days. Drama pretty much sums up that trip, but it was still a good time.

I was in Florida for 3 weeks. It was good to go back to work at Fantasmic! No matter how much I complain about it, I do miss it some days. I made a lot of new friends in the short time I was in town. It was extremely hard to leave. Every time I go back to Disney, I am tempted to never leave. But no one can live in that bubble forever.

I left Florida last Thursday. I was on the road in Georgia when I got the news that Michael Jackson had died. I have never considered myself a huge fan of Michael, but it hit me harder then I thought. I grew up listening to his music. I realized how big of an impact he had in my life as I listened to countless radio stations play his music over and over. I remember being stuck in traffic in Atlanta. It was maybe an hour after he had been confirmed dead. Traffic wasn't moving. I was listening to a station that was playing Michael and talking about him. I rolled down my window and heard the same station being played from the car next to me. Then I looked behind me. The lady was lip-syncing to the same song. As I turned down my radio, I heard numerous cars on the freeway playing Man in the Mirror in unison. EVERYONE was listening to this station. It was a moment I wont forget. I watched everyone around me in their cars as they listened to a man who had influenced their lives in some way or another. It was pretty awesome.

Anyway, I continued on to Chicago. I stayed there for a day with my friend Alix. Fun times! haha. Then Alix and I drove up to Traverse City, Michigan. That's where I am now. I started my internship yesterday. Its going well so far. I feel very legit. I have my own desk in my own corner. It's great! And that's my summer so far.

Hope you are all doing well! Miss you all!

Curtis

VERY quick update from my VERY homeless life. (no really)

2009-05-13T19:39:00.000-04:00

As most of you know by now, I am currently homeless. I live in my car. It's been over a week and things have been going more smoothly then I expected. Living in a car is really pretty easy. I have been lucky though. I have the most amazing friends in the world. I have been able to sleep on a couch or bed nearly every night. People have fed me. People have sheltered me. It's been great. I have actually learned a lot. I was so naive before this experience. I am surrounded by people who truly care for me! I didn't realize that until now.

So this is just a quick shout out to all of you who have been helping me in any way. I love you all so much! Thanks for making this experience so great! I will only be homeless for a few more weeks and I think it will be very rewarding!

Love you all!

Swimming in $#*t? Not me.

2009-04-27T23:32:00.001-04:00

So I just finished my last homework project of the semester. Tomorrow, I will present my portfolio at the Senior BFA Show and then I am done for this semester! This has by far, been the busiest 4 months of my life. With 18 credits and essentially 2 jobs, I have had little time for much else. But, it's actually been a REALLY good semester. I feel like I have accomplished a lot and defeated the monster! There were times I literally was not going to get things done, but somehow it always magically worked out. It may have meant several sleepless nights, but it worked out.

I remember the week Jason, our Disney recruiter from Orlando, came to campus to do our big Disney presentation. It was right before spring break and midterms were that same week. I went over 60 hours with ZERO sleep in that week. Total I probably ended up with 6 hours of sleep that entire week! I look back and have no idea how that was even possible! I still can't believe I survived all of this.

I am just now starting to see the rewards for my hard work this semester. Last week, I was accepted for an internship with the Traverse City Film Festival this summer. I am thrilled to have received an actual Graphic Design position!

Today I took my Stats final. I spend over 8 hours in the Library yesterday studying. And guess what? I think I pulled it off. I feel confident that I did really well of that test!

A few weeks ago, I received a Grant for next year. This was miraculous news. I have worked by butt off to make it through college and all I ever saw was a disappearing bank account and growing debt. News of this grant brought me to tears. If there was ever a time in my life when I needed financial help, this is it.

So life has a funny way of working itself out. I don't know how it happens, but it does. My life is far from perfect, but I have no desire to focus on the negative. What is the point? Enough shit happens, I don't need to spend my time swimming in it.

You should have seen this by now, but just in case you haven't. . .

2009-04-17T21:47:00.000-04:00

If you haven't heard of Susan Boyle yet, you must be living under a rock. In just under a week she has become the WORLDS obsession. And for good reason. Watch this video and you will be amazed! I have watched it at least a dozen times. I absolutely love this woman!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

I love that the world has fallen in love with Susan! I first saw this video on Tuesday when it had just over 4 million views on YouTube. I immediately began telling people about this amazing sensation. By yesterday, everyone I know was talking about Susan Boyle. Last night while someone was texting me about Susan Boyle, I heard the Susan Boyle video being played in the apartment above me. This morning, a customer came into work raving about Susan Boyle. Today, I was sent a link to websites selling Susan Boyle T-Shirts among other things. Oprah asked Susan Boyle to be on her show. Susan Boyle, you have become an international superstar faster then anyone in history! I love it!

One Second of Breath

2009-04-15T14:42:00.000-04:00

There is not a whole lot to report on in my life. I FINALLY got an interview for an internship. It was a phone interview and I honestly don't know how it went. It was a very relaxed interview. We went over the description of the interview and the program, but she never actually asked me any of the typical interview questions. I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I know I didn't say anything stupid, so I am hoping for the best!

This last weekend was Easter weekend. On Friday night, I went to a Rock Band party in my apartment building. Then a big group of us went up the canyon and created a mini bonfire. We cooked hot dogs and roasted marshmallows. It was actually a BLAST! Most of the time, I really hate that there is nothing to do in Logan. However, nights like this remind me how fun this place can actually be. I am going to miss certain aspects of Logan when I leave. Nights up the canyon will definitely be one of those aspects.

I worked on Saturday where I had the most fun I have had at that job in probably close to a year. We got into an ice cream war and I left work covered in rocky road ice cream. Needless to say, I had some laundry to do.

After cleaning up, I left to Salt Lake City to visit some friends. We had a ton of fun that night. I actually met Britney Spears while we were out! Well. . . sorta. I do have the picture to prove it.

I then drove home to American Fork to spend Easter Sunday with the family. I went to church with them. It was interesting to see people from my childhood and have fake conversations with all of them. They never cared about me growing up, but now they all want to know what I am up to. People are interesting. I am not bitter or complaining. It was good to see people and talk to them. I just find human behavior intriguing at times.

Later that afternoon, we had dinner. It was amazing! I miss having home-cooked meals. It was so good to be able to spend time with my family. I love playing with the kids now too! I was trying all afternoon to take a nap, but my niece, Emilee, and nephew, Matthew, seemed determined to stop that from happening! It was fun though! I love being around little kids. They force me to remember a time when life wasn't so complicated.

I drove back to Logan Sunday night and have been going nonstop since then. Finals are in a couple weeks and I have a lot to get done before then. Combine that with increased hours at work, and you have one busy Curtis. Once I make it through these next two weeks, I can officially celebrate and breath for a second. I can't wait for that second. It's my last remaining motivation. That one second of breath.

What if the real world wont take me? Then what?

2009-04-07T00:34:00.000-04:00

I decided today, that I need to do better at keeping up with these blogs. I was going to update my design blog tonight, but am being too lazy to scan in all my sketches. So I figured I could at least update this blog.

There is not too much going on in my life right now. I am staying pretty busy with school, but I am okay with that. Things have slowed down a little now that my Disney recruiting for this semester is almost over. I have been able to focus more on my design projects, which has been great. They keep me busy, but I love working on them.

Earlier today, I was looking up classes for Fall semester. I can't believe I am planning out my last semester of college EVER! It's been such a long journey to get to this point. When I graduated high school, I never imagined I would still be in college 6 years later. The last 6 years have taught me to not take my life plans too seriously. Things never go exactly as planned. I have also learned that it is that exact reason life is so wonderful.

Last week, I found a place to live in the fall. I am moving in with my old roommate Tim Ray and some other guys into a house. Yes! An actual house! I am stoked for that. It's going to be tons of fun. I have decided since my time left in Logan is actually pretty short, I really am determined to take advantage of all this little town has to offer. It's not the typical college town, but it definitely has some advantages. I plan on immersing myself in the Logan culture the rest of the year. There is so much here I have never done and I don't have a whole lot of time to do it all.

Time.

That brings me to my next subject. There are less then 4 weeks until the end of the semester. I still have no internship set up. In fact, I don't have any job set up. In other words, I am screwed. I have no idea what I am going to be doing and that stresses me out a little. I have a couple options if an internship doesn't come along, but I don't really like either of them. So please pray that I get an internship. I have applied for over a dozen, but no luck so far. Today I actually applied for an internship with the Traverse City Film Festival. It's unpaid, but I still think it would be a great experience. Plus, my amazing friend Alix will be there! Me and her together for another summer pretty much equals FANTASTIC! And I will be closer to Kim too. I haven't seen her in almost 3 years, but she still completes me. haha. (inside joke).

If I get that internship, I kinda have a plan for the summer. I think I would be able to pull in off too. If I don't get that, it's an entire summer at Aggie Ice Cream or back to Disney. Staying for Aggie Ice Cream might just make me kill myself. That job has worn itself out. Sorry. It's fun, but I am burned out. A person can only scoop ice cream for so long before they start to lose their mind. Plus I feel like I am better then that now. I should be able to get an actual job. I am 23 years old and have talents that are NOT being used there. It's a great job while in school. It's convenient. But enough is enough.

Going back to Disney would obviously be fun, but with their recent cutbacks, I am sure the hours would not be enough to get me through the summer. So both are bad options. I NEED an internship.

Really? That Long?

2009-01-31T03:54:00.000-05:00

Okay. So today is the 31st of January. It was exactly 4 years ago today that my life began a journey that completely changed everything. I know, deep, right? Yeah, you guessed it. It was January 31, 2005 that I began my first day on the Disney College Program. But I have spoken enough about that. Everyone is sick of hearing the stories, so I will spare you for now.

But this just got me thinking about how much my life has changed since that day. I am such a different person and am still in that changing process. But to see the steps I have made in the last 4 years is remarkable. Trust me, people I went to high school with would be in shock to know the person I am now. Its ALMOST night and day.

And so today, I celebrate life. I celebrate change. I celebrate friendships. I celebrate trials. I celebrate new places. I celebrate places from the past. I celebrate family. I celebrate Curtis. This is a good time to celebrate. I am just such a happy fellow these days.

Well, that's all I really had. It's 2 a.m. and I quite frankly couldn't sleep so I came on here to ramble. It's been fun. Next time maybe I will have something important or at least funny to write.

It Is What I Am.

2009-01-05T02:27:00.001-05:00

My life has changed a lot in the last few years. The most recent months of my life have been no exception. I have made decisions that have hurt a lot of the people closest to me. Contrary to what some believe, my decision to come out was not easy and it was not selfish. This was the most emotional, heart-wrenching decision of my life. The impacts are infinite. Nothing will ever be the same for me ever again. I know many of you are sad and/or disappointed that I have made this choice. i honestly don't know what to tell you. I could give a million reasons for why I think this is a good thing, but let's be honest, you wouldn't listen. it's not that you don't want to understand. It's just that you simply can't. For you, it is inconceivable that someone would give up so much. Everyone is entitled to their opinion about homosexuality. Whether it's a sin, a disease, a lifestyle choice, a biological defect, or whatever you chose to call it, it is what I am.

I wish everyone could know the emotions I feel. Because no matter how I say or write them, I will never do them justice. So instead of trying to convince you of my opinion of homosexuality and why I am gay, I just simply want to let you know who I am.

I would be lying to come out and say I am the same Curtis. Everyone always says that when they come out, but I don't buy it. I don't believe it. I am not the same person I was a few years ago. That person was scared and timid. I was living a lie and keeping deep secrets to myself hoping they would just go away or cure themselves. On the surface you didn't see it, but inside I was tearing myself to pieces every day. I cannot tell you how painful life was. It was a mistake to keep everything boiling up inside. That choice cause some serious damage. My pillow rarely saw a dry night. The thought of ending my life came far too close to transforming into action. The Curtis I am now is not the Curtis I was then.

I can't say all my problems are gone or that they ever will be. However the person I am now is not afraid. I no longer keep all my emotions to myself. My life means something to me. I know I have purpose and potential. These are not traits that have appeared because I have chosen to come out as being gay. On the contrary, these traits led to me coming out. I don't want to be the person I used to be. He had some good aspects, but he was not himself. He was living a life only to please those around him. I promise to you i have not abandoned the positive aspects of that person. I have found that I can still be a good person AND be myself.

I still maintain a personal relationship with God. No one will EVER take that away from me. I recognize His hands in my life and am eternally grateful for all He has blessed me with.

I still love my family. Things with them are a little rough right now. I know this is hard on them. It would be extremely selfish of me to not acknowledge that this deeply affects them. I had a great childhood. I was raised in an amazing home. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. I will ALWAYS be here for my family regardless of our differences. I truly love them.

My friends are still extremely important to me. To those who are now uncomfortable with me, I just want you to know I still love you. I appreciate all the times we have shared and all you have taught me. my hope would be that our time together would continue, but I understand if you don't feel the same. I just want to thank you for everything anyway.

And for those of you who have stayed with me through all of this, I love you more then I will ever be able to express. I have needed you. I continue to need you. In those moments when I have lost all strength, you have picked me up and carried me through hell. I don't think you even know how much you have meant to me. Each of you! I sincerely mean that. If you are reading this and don't think it applies to you, I guarantee you are wrong. Trust me, the smallest of friendships have made some of the biggest impacts in my life.

I am still a dreamer and will never stop. I will pursue my dreams to the end. I am more determined then ever to make my life worthwhile. I want to leave my make and when this is all over I will have. Most importantly, I still love me a juicy burger and french fries!

My family, my friends, and whoever else may be reading this, I hope you understand I don't write any of this to make anyone feel bad for me. I don't need sympathy. I didn't write this to draw attention to myself. I wrote this in hopes that you might better understand why i decided to come out and most importantly, to let you know I still love you.

Curtis