This week marks four years since I made the life-altering decision to come out to my closest friends. It took over a year to completely come out to my family, but the journey of coming out began in September of 2007. I can remember the emotions as if it happened yesterday. That was such an exciting, yet terrifying moment of time in my life.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Defeating defeated.
The last few months have left me searching for a light that doesn't seem to exist. Every turn seems to take me further and further into a dark hole of failed life. My mind, whether it be focused the multiple job rejections, the death of my grandpa, the financial struggles, or the continued absence of romance, can't seem to find peace in any aspect of my life.
A few days ago, after another job interview and rejection, I found myself feeling the most defeated I have ever felt in my life. But surely I should be more positive right? I have been in worse situations. There is no doubt about that. I mean I lived out of my car at one point a couple years ago. So how could I be so down now? I am healthy. I have a job and a roof over my head. I have good friends. My family relationships have vastly improved over the last two years. So WHY is this so difficult for me right now?
Why? Because this is the first time in my life I feel like there is no light at the end of that tunnel. Every time I have dealt with struggle in my life, I knew there were bigger things ahead. The last few months have all lead me to this point in my life where I don't see a promising future for me. I have lost hope.
Reality is sinking in for me. I am still young, yes. However, I have been single my entire life and am in my late twenties. People my age are either in committed relationships or have been. I have nothing. As I get older, the hope that someday I am just going to find the one gets smaller. I am coming to realize I may just be alone forever. I want kids while I am young. I want to start a family. I would be such a great father! I get so excited just thinking of it. But the reality is that it may not happen.
I have put everything into a career with Disney. My heart and soul has been devoted to this dream. And I had almost made it! I was so close! And now I am back at the bottom trying to fight my way up. I have networked. I have shmoozed. I have worked my butt off. I have impressed everyone I have worked with here. Everyone. Yet, I have been rejected for dozens and dozens (no exaggeration) of positions. Even my attempts to leave the company have gone nowhere. Here I am at the start of my career with nowhere to go. I am stuck and working so hard to get something with zero results. And I quite frankly and terrified for the future of my career. Terrified.
So what do I do?
The key is perspective, and the last two days I have realized that I need more of it. Things seems terrible. Things are terrible. So what. When has my life ever let me down? Never. Things ALWAYS get better. And it's those hard times that I always look back on now with an understanding of how they lead me to where I am now. It's easy to lose sight of that. All of this is to prepare me for the future. I have no way of understanding now what these events are leading me to.
No person can become great until they have suffered a life failure of epic proportions. I am going to be great. When I leave this world, people will NOT forget me. And so this is a little setback. It will be a great chapter when people generations from now tell my story. And I expect much larger problems to arise in my life. I am talking HUGE. If I can't handle this, how will I ever handle those?
Now is not the time for me to give up and lose hope. I am discouraged. It's hard. I am human and things to affect me. I will rise above this though. I wont stop doing what I am doing. 50 job rejections in the past year? I can handle more then that. Bring it on! 26 and still single? So what. I am in love with the person I have become. I could live another 26 years with myself and still love me. If no one else can connect with the incredible person I am, then that's fine. I am strong enough to survive alone. God will somehow give me a family regardless. I am sure of that.
So I will get through. I still worry daily about my future. I still consider all options when it comes to my career. I am ready to embrace change and live out new dreams. My unknown future is exciting and one day people will be jealous.
A few days ago, after another job interview and rejection, I found myself feeling the most defeated I have ever felt in my life. But surely I should be more positive right? I have been in worse situations. There is no doubt about that. I mean I lived out of my car at one point a couple years ago. So how could I be so down now? I am healthy. I have a job and a roof over my head. I have good friends. My family relationships have vastly improved over the last two years. So WHY is this so difficult for me right now?
Why? Because this is the first time in my life I feel like there is no light at the end of that tunnel. Every time I have dealt with struggle in my life, I knew there were bigger things ahead. The last few months have all lead me to this point in my life where I don't see a promising future for me. I have lost hope.
Reality is sinking in for me. I am still young, yes. However, I have been single my entire life and am in my late twenties. People my age are either in committed relationships or have been. I have nothing. As I get older, the hope that someday I am just going to find the one gets smaller. I am coming to realize I may just be alone forever. I want kids while I am young. I want to start a family. I would be such a great father! I get so excited just thinking of it. But the reality is that it may not happen.
I have put everything into a career with Disney. My heart and soul has been devoted to this dream. And I had almost made it! I was so close! And now I am back at the bottom trying to fight my way up. I have networked. I have shmoozed. I have worked my butt off. I have impressed everyone I have worked with here. Everyone. Yet, I have been rejected for dozens and dozens (no exaggeration) of positions. Even my attempts to leave the company have gone nowhere. Here I am at the start of my career with nowhere to go. I am stuck and working so hard to get something with zero results. And I quite frankly and terrified for the future of my career. Terrified.
So what do I do?
The key is perspective, and the last two days I have realized that I need more of it. Things seems terrible. Things are terrible. So what. When has my life ever let me down? Never. Things ALWAYS get better. And it's those hard times that I always look back on now with an understanding of how they lead me to where I am now. It's easy to lose sight of that. All of this is to prepare me for the future. I have no way of understanding now what these events are leading me to.
No person can become great until they have suffered a life failure of epic proportions. I am going to be great. When I leave this world, people will NOT forget me. And so this is a little setback. It will be a great chapter when people generations from now tell my story. And I expect much larger problems to arise in my life. I am talking HUGE. If I can't handle this, how will I ever handle those?
Now is not the time for me to give up and lose hope. I am discouraged. It's hard. I am human and things to affect me. I will rise above this though. I wont stop doing what I am doing. 50 job rejections in the past year? I can handle more then that. Bring it on! 26 and still single? So what. I am in love with the person I have become. I could live another 26 years with myself and still love me. If no one else can connect with the incredible person I am, then that's fine. I am strong enough to survive alone. God will somehow give me a family regardless. I am sure of that.
So I will get through. I still worry daily about my future. I still consider all options when it comes to my career. I am ready to embrace change and live out new dreams. My unknown future is exciting and one day people will be jealous.
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