My life has changed a lot in the last few years. The most recent months of my life have been no exception. I have made decisions that have hurt a lot of the people closest to me. Contrary to what some believe, my decision to come out was not easy and it was not selfish. This was the most emotional, heart-wrenching decision of my life. The impacts are infinite. Nothing will ever be the same for me ever again. I know many of you are sad and/or disappointed that I have made this choice. i honestly don't know what to tell you. I could give a million reasons for why I think this is a good thing, but let's be honest, you wouldn't listen. it's not that you don't want to understand. It's just that you simply can't. For you, it is inconceivable that someone would give up so much. Everyone is entitled to their opinion about homosexuality. Whether it's a sin, a disease, a lifestyle choice, a biological defect, or whatever you chose to call it, it is what I am.
I wish everyone could know the emotions I feel. Because no matter how I say or write them, I will never do them justice. So instead of trying to convince you of my opinion of homosexuality and why I am gay, I just simply want to let you know who I am.
I would be lying to come out and say I am the same Curtis. Everyone always says that when they come out, but I don't buy it. I don't believe it. I am not the same person I was a few years ago. That person was scared and timid. I was living a lie and keeping deep secrets to myself hoping they would just go away or cure themselves. On the surface you didn't see it, but inside I was tearing myself to pieces every day. I cannot tell you how painful life was. It was a mistake to keep everything boiling up inside. That choice cause some serious damage. My pillow rarely saw a dry night. The thought of ending my life came far too close to transforming into action. The Curtis I am now is not the Curtis I was then.
I can't say all my problems are gone or that they ever will be. However the person I am now is not afraid. I no longer keep all my emotions to myself. My life means something to me. I know I have purpose and potential. These are not traits that have appeared because I have chosen to come out as being gay. On the contrary, these traits led to me coming out. I don't want to be the person I used to be. He had some good aspects, but he was not himself. He was living a life only to please those around him. I promise to you i have not abandoned the positive aspects of that person. I have found that I can still be a good person AND be myself.
I still maintain a personal relationship with God. No one will EVER take that away from me. I recognize His hands in my life and am eternally grateful for all He has blessed me with.
I still love my family. Things with them are a little rough right now. I know this is hard on them. It would be extremely selfish of me to not acknowledge that this deeply affects them. I had a great childhood. I was raised in an amazing home. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. I will ALWAYS be here for my family regardless of our differences. I truly love them.
My friends are still extremely important to me. To those who are now uncomfortable with me, I just want you to know I still love you. I appreciate all the times we have shared and all you have taught me. my hope would be that our time together would continue, but I understand if you don't feel the same. I just want to thank you for everything anyway.
And for those of you who have stayed with me through all of this, I love you more then I will ever be able to express. I have needed you. I continue to need you. In those moments when I have lost all strength, you have picked me up and carried me through hell. I don't think you even know how much you have meant to me. Each of you! I sincerely mean that. If you are reading this and don't think it applies to you, I guarantee you are wrong. Trust me, the smallest of friendships have made some of the biggest impacts in my life.
I am still a dreamer and will never stop. I will pursue my dreams to the end. I am more determined then ever to make my life worthwhile. I want to leave my make and when this is all over I will have. Most importantly, I still love me a juicy burger and french fries!
My family, my friends, and whoever else may be reading this, I hope you understand I don't write any of this to make anyone feel bad for me. I don't need sympathy. I didn't write this to draw attention to myself. I wrote this in hopes that you might better understand why i decided to come out and most importantly, to let you know I still love you.
Curtis
